Invisible
by lnkmstr10
Summary: How I wish I could go back and live in the days before I fell in love with my best friend. Before I fell in love with Spencer Carlin.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I do not own South of Nowhere or any of the characters affiliated with it. SoN is property of Tom Lynch and The N.**

**A/N:** _So back again for another story. This time from Ashley's POV. _Invisible_ is in no way associated with my other stories. It is a work in progress, so bare with me for updating. The song used in the title and in this chapter is (obviously enough) Invisible by Taylor Swift._

_All flashbacks are in italics.  
_

_Reviews are greatly appreciated, as always. And so I leave you with the beginning of _Invisible. _Enjoy :)_

_---_

**Invisible**

Everyone wants to be invisible at least one time in their life. Really, why wouldn't you want to?

You can walk right into your teacher's house and dump coffee on the spotless dress she has hanging on her door. The one she's wearing on her date with who she hopes to be Mr. Right. But you don't care. After all, she gave you a D on that book report- something about plagiarism- and you know that was easily an A paper.

You can go out in broad daylight and slash your boyfriend's-ex boyfriend!- tires. Did he not expect karma to catch up with him? And by karma, you mean you. Because just like karma, payback is a bitch. You don't feel guilty- it's what he gets for cheating on you! Plus you're invisible, so it's not like they can prove it was you.

If you are invisible, you can simply just observe life. You don't have to take part in anything; you are merely a fan in the stands, cheering on the team but having no impact on the game.

You're simply a gust of wind; people can hear and feel you- and sometimes they can be simply blown away by you- but for the most part, you're just part of everyday life, something they expect to be there and so they don't give it another thought.

But enough about you, because this is my story. And you may like being invisible, but I'm sick of it. Because I've been invisible for far too long. I'm sick of being an observer. I'm sick of having no impact on other's lives. I'm sick of not being noticed. I'm just sick of being invisible. And that's all I feel when I'm with her. With them.

Taylor Swift must have been staring straight into my soul when she wrote her song _Invisible. _How else could she so expertly explain what I was going through?

Almost subconsciously, my hand grabs my iPod and I'm shuffling through my songs until I find it. The words flow through my headphones, effectively silencing the outside world, effectively silencing their laughter. But it never can truly shut them out. Nothing can, and not for lack of effort on my part.

-

_I just want to show you, she don't even know you_

_She's never gonna love you like I want to_

_But you just see right through me_

_And if you only knew me_

_We could be a beautiful, miracle, unbelievable_

_Instead of just invisible._

_-  
_

Amen, Taylor! Yeah, that's right, her and I are on first name terms…well at least in my fantasy world. The one where everything is perfect, like in those Walgreen's commercials.

And in that world, I'm not invisible. Instead I'm invincible, because I've decided that's much better. Invisible means no one can see you. But invincible…that means no one can harm you, and that's how I wish I was. Because I do get hurt, I am hurt, and it's even worse that she doesn't even know what she's doing to me. She thinks everything is the same, when in fact nothing is.

Oh how I wish it was. How I wish I could go back to the days when life was predictable and safe. How I wish I could go back to when I honestly believed duct tape fixed everything. How I wish I could go back and live in the days before I fell in love with my best friend. Before I fell in love with Spencer Carlin.


	2. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own South of Nowhere or any of the characters affiliated with it. SoN is property of Tom Lynch and The N.**

**A/N:**_ So I wanted to get chapter one out so that you guys get a longer chapter. Hope you enjoy it  
_

_All flashbacks are in italics.  
_

_Reviews are greatly appreciated, as always. __:)_

_---_

_**Chapter 1**_

Even though my heart sometimes found it hard to believe, I wasn't always in love with Spencer. We used to be best friends. Well I say used to, but we still are.

But back then, it was completely innocent. Back then I didn't analyze every touch and word, trying to decipher some deeper meaning. Back then I didn't have to hold back for fear of revealing too much. Back then my heart didn't beat frantically whenever Spencer looked at me, or talked to me, or hugged me, or even just breathed in my vicinity. Back then, life was simple, and I miss it.

But I think about how I feel about Spencer now, and even though it hurts so much at times, I can't think of how I would ever want to trade it away. I know the love I have for her is unconditional, and passionate, and probably forever, because Spencer Carlin isn't the type of girl you can get over, and believe me, I've tried many times.

_"Ash," she complained, pulling on my hand to stop me from storming back into the bar where the douche bag sat. _

_I stopped. Not because she was strong enough to stop me physically- because she wasn't- but because with that one gentle touch, she was able to stop me emotionally, and that was much more grounding. "I'm going in there," I told her firmly._

_"Just let it go." Please, we bother heard her wordlessly add._

_I tried to avoid her eyes, I really did. I knew if I looked into their gorgeous blue depths, I'd give in, and I didn't want to._

_"Why does he get to be an ass and then go right back to sipping his beer, laughing to his friends about you?" I demanded angrily, not mad at her, just at the incident._

_"Maybe he's inside right now, choking on said beer?" she countered with a shrug._

_I gave her a mock serious, threatening look and poked her in her stomach gently. "You better hope he is." She laughed and I couldn't help but feel pleased._

_"But seriously," I continued, "what kind of douche walks up to you sitting at a bar, says, 'Talking to a hot girl like you is difficult, but it's not the only thing that's hard,' and then takes your hand and puts it on his crotch!? He should have used his own hand, because had I gotten to him, he wouldn't have had anything left there for anyone to grab on to, so he would have wanted that last hold," I hissed vehemently. Protective Ashley was driving this crazy van, and she wasn't letting anyone near the wheel._

_Spencer threw her head back and loudly laughed, causing me to look at her curiously, concerned for her sanity. "Oh Ash, I do love you."_

_I looked her over giving her a critical look. Then I leaned forward and put my face next to hers, pretending to smell her breath. "And just how much did you drink tonight?" I teased._

_"Just two," she said with mock defensiveness, crossing her arms for extra emphasis._

_I gave her a doubtful look. "Two cases?"_

_She laughed and shoved me gently. "No, ass, two beers. Which," she said as she took my keys and started skipping towards my car, "is why I'm driving." She looped her arm through mine and held me close, as if she thought for some reason I would leave. As if she thought I was capable of leaving._

_"Ash?" I heard her whisper into the darkness of my room._

_I turned on my side to face her and was surprised to find her face so close to mine. "Yeah?" I breathed out, wondering why I suddenly felt very nervous and uncomfortable. Wondering how I didn't feel her presence this close to me._

_"Thanks for standing up for me. It means a lot." She gave me a breathtaking smile, her gorgeous white teeth visible even in the dark. I tried to stop my heart from beating frantically. But how could you stop something when you weren't prepared for it? Because I sure as hell wasn't prepared for this. I didn't even know what **this** was._

_"Well he made you touch his icky man part," I joked lightly, even though on the inside I was brimming with happiness from her simple thanks._

_My breath hitched as I felt hers against my neck as she laughed at my comment. I felt the skin on my neck come alive with little goosebumps, and my eyes involuntarily closed. _

_"Icky man part?" she mocked with a smile. Her hands came to play in my hair, and had my eyes not already been closed, I knew they would have shut under her gentle hands._

_ I couldn't help the content sight that escaped me. I wondered why this time was different, why this time her touched burned instead of soothed. Why this time my breath caught instead of steadied._

_"You like that?" she asked lowly, and I almost swore her voice sounded raspy. Maybe it was the sleepiness creeping in. Maybe it was the alcohol. Whatever the reason, I felt my body react to her tone and my heart- though I didn't think it possible- beat faster than before._

_"Yeah," I breathed out again, subconsciously leaning into her touch. And maybe, for me too, it was the alcohol. Maybe it really was liquid courage in vodka form I had swallowed earlier. _

_It was the courage, and it was also the puppet master pulling my strings, because surely this wasn't my own self in control of my body. It wasn't me making my fingers gently ghost over Spencer's smooth skin. It wasn't me controlling the rapid beating of my heart, the tingling of my skin. It wasn't me making me shiver with delight as her body snuggled into mine._

_It wasn't me making me feel things other than friendship for the beautiful blonde. It wasn't me, because it wasn't right. And for all I knew, maybe it wasn't even real._

I don't know why I insist on torturing myself by reliving that memory. Not just because it makes my fists clench when I think about the dickhead, but because it makes my heart clench when I think about that night with Spencer. That was when it had all started. That was when I suddenly felt it all begin to change. And I think she did too, though she never said anything about it.

And now that memory is all I can hold on to. I can't hold on to Spencer because she's not mine. And maybe it wouldn't be inappropriate if I tried to hold on to her, but somehow I feel like it would be. Probably because I know once I grab hold, I'm not letting go.

I'm snapped out of my musings by _her_ laughter. I hate _her _laughter. It's the kind of laughter that instantly draws people's attention to her. The kind of laughter that makes whoever made the comment to cause the laughter, feel as if they just told the funniest joke on earth. And to _her _and her simple humor, maybe they did.

_Or_, maybe I just simply hate _her._

"Can you believe that, Ashley?" Spencer turns my attention to her, purposely including me in the conversation. The laughter is still evident in her eyes.

"Sure can't," I offer simply, and I feel more than see Spencer roll her eyes.

"Did you even hear what Carmen said?" I don't know why she is asking a question she already knows the answer to. Still, I grace it with an answer anyway. Maybe to offer something more to the conversation. But mostly to be a bitch. I think I am entitled every now and then

"Sure didn't," I say flatly.

"Ugh, what is up with you Ashley?" Spencer sighs in a whisper as Carmen, probably sensing the tension, makes an excuse to go to the bathroom.

I know I'm not going to explain what's really bothering, so I opt for ignorance. "What do you mean?" I do my best to sound insulted that she's insinuating anything.

Spencer rolls her eyes again. "Don't play dumb," she says angrily. "What's your deal? Why are you being so mean to Carmen?" she asks confused, and honestly, she probably doesn't understand why.

Maybe because I hate her? I inwardly answer. "I'm not being mean," I state firmly, hearing how bad my lie sounds. "I just spaced out for a second."

I know this is going to turn into a little cat fight, yet that still doesn't help. Because now I'm just waiting until it finally explodes, because it always does, no matter what. Because I'm a bitch, and when I get in my moods, Spencer can only be her sweet self for so long before she mimics my bad mood.

"Is that a crime?" I ask before I can stop myself. It doesn't stop me from mentally slapping myself though.

She shakes her head. "No, it's not. But lately it's like you don't even try. I know Carmen isn't your favorite person in the world. Hell, Carmen herself has gotten the hint. But dammit Ash, can't you at least try to look as if you can stand being in the same building as her without it looking like it's killing you slowly and painfully?"

She's not sounding angry anymore, and in my opinion, that's worse. Even though I hate it, I can put up with Spencer yelling. But I absolutely cannot stand it when she uses her disappointed voice, like I had gone and shot her puppy or something. And that's the one she's using now. It has always broken me down, and I know it always will.

"I'm sorry," I find myself saying, and I'm surprised at how sincere the words are, considering I wasn't even planning on apologizing. My head falls to my chest in shame, hiding my eyes from her soul-searching ocean blue ones. "I just have a lot on my mind." And it's the truth. I have so many damn things on my mind.

I feel her defense slipping as she puts a gentle, comforting hand on my shoulder. At least it's meant to comfort me, and in some way it does, but in every other way, it sets my blood pounding and my heart racing. "Like what?" she prods me with her soft encouraging voice.

I swallow hard. Like you. "Just stuff," I answer lamely, knowing it won't satisfy her.

Thankfully she recognizes my unwillingness to talk about it and she lets it drop. "Well whenever you're ready." She lets the statement drop because no more needs to be said on that subject. I know what she's inferring, the door she's reminding me is always open. I honestly don't think there even is a door anymore. It's been long removed, simply to prevent it from ever closing.

Her blue eyes meet my brown ones. "Stay at my house," she softly orders, but I know it's more of a plea than anything. And just like that, our fight is pushed aside for now.

I know I shouldn't, for so many reasons. It will kill me to be so close to her yet not have her. I know it will be torture. No matter how exquisite it is, it's always torture. I know I won't sleep well, simply because I won't want to give the moment up to my dreams, because in those nights, she is my reality, and reality is way better than any dream. I also know that with her warm hand still on my shoulder, now gently squeezing, I won't be able to say no. I think she knows it too.

"Ok," I answer, smiling in response to the smile she's giving me. I smile even wider as she throws her arms around me and hugs me close, and I'm allowed to take in her scent. I'm reminded again why I love strawberries so much. It's because they remind me of Spencer. Or maybe Spencer reminds me of strawberries, because I don't think of her as smelling like strawberries…she simply smells like Spencer.

"You ready to go soon, baby?" Carmen's voice floats into my conscious, and I feel Spencer release me. I feel the loss of her scent and warmth like a physical loss. I feel the loss simply of her, because Carmen has come back into the picture, not that she truly ever left, but for a moment she was blurred, for a moment it was a picture with the clichéd white picket fence, it was perfect.

Spencer doesn't say anything, but gives Carmen a nod. Her attention is still directed on me, her eyes again searching my soul to see what's truly troubling me. I have to turn away, because I know that around Spencer, my heart is in my eyes, and even though some times I want her to know how I feel, other times I don't want her to know anything, because sometimes ignorance is bliss.

"You want me to pick you up?" Spencer asks suddenly, causing Carmen and I to look at her confused. Carmen because she doesn't know what Spencer is talking about. Me because I honestly didn't expect Spencer to hold fast to our plan. Not that she backs out or anything, but lately we've made a lot of empty promises just out of obligation.

I pick up my coffee cup to stall for time as I weigh out the pros and cons. "Sure, that's fine. What time?" And just like that, I rip the pro/con list in half, not even bothering to glance at it because I know that no matter how numerous the cons are, the pro is spending time with Spencer, and that will always trump.

She gives me a big smile, letting me know that she was unsure of what my answer would be. "Well how about we say six? That way, when I get there at seven, I know you'll have had an hour to get ready," she finishes in a teasing voice, and I'm brought back to the easiness of our friendship.

_BANG! BANG! BANG!_

_"What the hell?" I yelled angrily to the mysterious person trying to knock my door down. I hurriedly threw it open, accidentally hitting the person on the other side, who turned out to be Spencer._

_"That's what I'm wondering," she quipped from on the ground, a hand held to her head where it had gotten acquainted with the wood of the door._

_"Sorry," I mumbled sleepily as I pulled her up and into the house. "What's with your anger towards my door?"_

_She gives me an annoyed look. "We're supposed to go to the movies."_

_"Yeah," I drawled out, "at eight."_

_She grabbed my hand and shoved my watch in my face. Thankfully it's digital. I always did have trouble reading the stupid analogue ones. 7:50 shone in my eyes._

_"We still have ten minutes," I pointed out, pointing to the numbers on my watch._

_"Ash, I told you the movie was at eight. Why didn't you set your alarm?" I didn't like when she got like this. It always made me feel stupid._

_"I did!" I said firmly and defensively._

_"And slept through it?" She crossed her arms._

_"No, I set it for 7:55."_

_"For an eight o'clock movie?" she asked in condescension._

_I nodded. "Yeah. I wanted to sleep as long as possible," I defended, realizing it was a dumb excuse but feeling too stubborn to back down now._

_"Ashley, we're going to be late," she complained. "You're not even dressed. Why would you set your alarm five minutes before the movie started?"_

_"I told you I wanted to sleep as long as possible. Look, I'll drive. You know we'll get there in six minutes top." She laughed. "Add a few minutes to get your thousand calorie butter popcorn and we are in the theater, only missing the stupid previews." I was already leading her to my room so I could change into something not so pajama-ish. _

_"Extra salt!" she begged as the greasy haired teenager drenched the popcorn in butter. I swear Spencer was drooling. I, however, was gagging. I'd never understand how she could eat so much shit and still look as good as she did. _

_"Ok, so I'm making a mental note," she informed me in a whisper as the movie played._

_"Oh?" I asked with interest, cringing as she took a handful of her butter with a side of popcorn. "What of?"_

_"Whenever I make plans to pick you up, I'm going to tell you when to be ready, and I'm going to make it so that it's an hour before you actually have to be ready. That way you're ready early, and we can actually get to places on time." She shoved it all in her mouth and gave me a goofy smile._

_I smiled back at her cuteness. "You know, telling me that you're making me be ready an hour before I have to is just going to make me set my alarm an hour later. So really, your whole spill about your plan was pointless because now I'm aware of it." I shook my box of sour Skittles at her._

_She shrugged. "Or was it?" she asked cryptically and then turned back to the movie, but not before giving me a last secret smile._

I look at Spencer and know she's remembering the same thing. "Hey that was one time," I defend.

"No," she shakes her head with a laugh, "it was the _first_ time."

"Semantics." I wave her words off.

"Ok, well how about I call you when I'm on my way, that way you can actually get ready _before_ I get there?"

I give a big, dramatic sigh. "Ok, I guess you can do that."

She smiles and gives me another hug. Carmen gives me a wave and they leave the restaurant, taking my heart with them.

"Hey wait!" I yell as I burst through the door and chase after them.

"Ash?" Spencer asks concerned as I bend over to catch my breath. I never was one for running.

I turn my eyes towards the other brunette. "Hey, uh, Carmen, I'm really sorry about earlier. I was upset about stuff with my mom, and I didn't mean for you to be on the receiving end," I quickly lie, but Carmen doesn't know this. "But how about next time you tell me your joke?" I add with what I hope is a friendly smile. It feels more like a grimace, but Carmen smiles back anyway, and I feel proud of myself, especially with the beaming smile Spencer sends my way.

I watch them walk to their car, feeling Spencer slowly squeeze my heart as she reaches for Carmen's hand. And as much as I'd like to hate Carmen, I can't. Simply because no matter how much I wish it wasn't true, Carmen makes Spencer happy, and that alone is reason enough for me to not completely hate her.

It doesn't, however, stop me from wishing I had the power to melt Carmen into the parking lot with heat vision. Oh what a delightful day it will be when I fall into radioactive waste.


	3. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own South of Nowhere or any of the characters affiliated with it. SoN is property of Tom Lynch and The N.**

**A/N:**_ Wow, so when I was typing I kept adding more in and realized I didn't really leave it at a good place to end, so I had to keep going till a chapter ending felt right. So you get pretty long chapter, about 10,000 words in lenth o.O Anyway, enough rambling, here is chapter two.  
_

_Reviews are greatly appreciated, as always. __:)_

_---_

_**Chapter 2  
**_

I am freaking out. My closet is a mess from all the clothes I've taken off the hanger, only to discard on the floor moments later. I'm an even bigger mess. I feel like I have the worse case of indecision and ADD combined.

Only half my make up is on. My bra is on but not snapped, and I've tried on about thirty different outfits, only to sigh in frustration and throw them on the floor angrily. This is definitely a downside to being rich and having so many freaking clothes. When it really comes down to deciding what to wear, it's an all day process. Normally for school I'd just pick something the night before and be done. But I can't do that for tonight. I've had a total of about three hours notice, and I still can't decide.

As far as I know we're just going to Spencer's house. But I don't know if I should dress comfortable, like sweats and a hoodie, or dress casual, jeans and a cute shirt, or dress up more and wear something I'd wear on a date. But this isn't a date! I firmly remind myself. It's been my mantra ever since I got in my car and read my text from Spencer saying- _I am so excited to hang and can't wait. And be ready on time : p_

"Ok, Ash, well what type clothing are you wanting to wear?" Kyla asks me as she pulls me into my closet.

I caved. I wasn't getting anywhere on my own, well that's not true, my mounting pile of clothes could attest for that. But I wasn't doing myself any good and was feeling so overwhelmed that it was almost a reflex to yell for Kyla's help.

Although maybe I shouldn't have used as desperate of a tone as I did, because she came barreling in full speed with a baseball bat- that I don't know where she got it from- and started swinging it wildly, my guess against my supposed attacker. I was just glad I wasn't within her reach. I wasn't too keen on having my face meet aluminum.

I roll my eyes. "That's what you are supposed to be figuring out."

She puts a placating hand on my arm and gives me a smile. "Hey, chill out. You're going to pop a blood vessel, and I simply cannot coordinate anything of yours with it," she teases, and just as she hopes, I smile and visibly relax a little. Sisters are great, even if Kyla is technically my half sister.

"Ok," I breathe deeply. "I just want something to wear that's comfortable."

She gives me an incredulous look. "That's all? What do you need me for?"

"Because," I say, "I cannot for the life of me decide on anything. I want you to pick an outfit out and regardless of what it is, I'll wear it. Within reason!" I add as she gets an evil look in her eye.

"Always," she counters with a smile, shuffling through clothes. "Aha!" she says triumphantly as she holds out jeans and a grey hoodie.

I stare at the simple outfit, amazed that I wasn't capable of doing that myself. It wasn't anything spectacular, but that was the point. It was comfortable, and hopefully by wearing comfortable clothes, that comfort would transfer to me.

Kyla looks at me curiously. "Do you need help dressing too?" she asks playfully.

I snort. "Like I would ever give you the honor of seeing me undressed."

"Like I would ever want my retinas to be permanently scarred," she throws back.

"Thanks for your help," I tell her sincerely as I shift my weight from foot to foot and glance at my watch for the tenth time.

"No problem. And you'll be fine," she assures. She knows the Spencer situation. She's been the one to wipe my tears and share Ben and Jerry's ice cream with me.

"Yeah," I answer uncertainly, glancing at my watch again and sighing in frustration when I realize only three minutes have passed since I last looked.

As soon as I had finished dressing I had walked to the door to wait, only to be dragged back Kyla. When I gave her a questioning look, she shoved me in front of the mirror to remind me that my make up was not finished. Oh thank you, Kyla! That was not how I planned on greeting Spencer.

By now it's a reflex and a cycle. I glance at my watch, Kyla tells me to relax, I tell her I'm just worried, and she says to quit pacing because I'm making her dizzy and she doesn't want to hear mom bitch about the carpet being worn down.

"You think something happened?" I ask worriedly as I stand up and move to the window.

"Ashley, I think you're more likely to end up in the hospital than Spencer, what with your paranoia and incessant worrying." Kyla gently grabs my hand and sits me back down.

I give her a doubtful look. "People get sent to the hospital for worrying?"

She shrugs and rolls her eyes. "I don't know, I'm not a doctor. You'll probably give yourself an aneurism." I didn't think Kyla knew what that was, but I didn't either so I couldn't say anything. "Point is, you need to calm down. She said she'd call, and I know you remember because you've been looking at your phone almost as often as you've been looking at your watch." She gives me an exasperated look.

"I know, I'm sorry. I'm just extremely nervous. We haven't hung out alone in a long time. We usually either don't hang out, or bitch- OW!- Carmen is with us," I correct as Kyla hits my arm.

"Well then-" Kyla says, but I am immediately distracted as my cell phone rings. I can distantly hear Kyla blabbing on, but I am solely focused on maintaining normal breathing.

"Hey," I answer, giving myself a mental high five at how normal I sound.

"_Hey to you_," she says back, and I can hear the smile in her voice. "_You ready_?"

"Yeah. You just leaving now?"

"_Nope, I'm in your driveway_." She honks her horn. "_Now get your ass out here, Davies_!" she orders.

I can't help but smile. "Yes ma'am," I obediently say before I hang up the phone. And just like that, my nerves are back tenfold.

Kyla sense this and gives me a big hug. "Good luck," she smiles. "Just let it flow."

I give her an amused look. "Isn't that a constipation commercial?"

She waves it off absently. "It doesn't matter. Now go out there and get your girl!" She slaps my butt as I walk past her and I smile again. "Hey Spencer," Kyla pokes her head out the front door and waves.

The blonde waves back in response with a beautiful smile on her face. It widens even more as I open her door and she turns her full attention to me. I notice she has changed clothes as well, and I smile as I take in her sweatpants and t-shirt. She is always breathtaking, no matter what she wears.

"Hey," she says again, as if we hadn't just talked thirty seconds ago. It doesn't matter, I still smile at the simplicity of it.

"Hey," I echo, feeling giddy and antsy and everything I shouldn't feel around Spencer but can't seem to help. "So," I say casually as I make a show of looking at my watch.

"Hey," she laughs, "I was here on time." She points to the _7:00_ displayed on her dashboard.

"Well according to the time I was given, you're an hour late."

"That's because simple concepts like punctuality are lost on you." She laughs at the mock glare I send her way.

"So I was thinking we'd just watch some movies till we pass out," Spencer says as she turns down her street, and I watch the familiar scenery pass us by until we stop at her house.

I raise an eyebrow. "Till _we_ pass out?" I echo.

"Ok, ok," she concedes, "until I pass out."

Spencer and I would always sleep over at each other's houses. We usually had the TV on but turned down low so we could talk over it. Other times we would put a movie in around nine o'clock. Spencer would always gush about how excited she was about the movie. Fifteen minutes after the beginning credits played, she'd be sound asleep, only to wake up about five minutes later and try act like she hadn't been snoring. No matter how hard she fought, sleep would always claim her. It never failed to make me laugh.

"Wow, so we are only going to watch the first five minutes?" I tease and stick my tongue out at her and follow her inside.

"Ha-ha, Ash," she rolls her eyes playfully and pushes me inside.

I let the familiarity once again take over me. It feels like it's been forever since I was last here, but everything is the same. The family portrait taken in 1999 is still there, and I always make sure to tease Spencer about her braces, even though she looked absolutely adorable in them.

The house is still spotless, but in a homely way. I can still smell Mr. Carlin's wonderful dinners resonating from the kitchen. I can still hear laughter from many dinners spent in the dining room. But mostly, I can feel Spencer.

"I always loved the way you're house smelled." I confess. Being with Spencer makes me feel more open, and that's part of why I distance myself from her. I can't be revealing too much to her.

She takes in a big breath through her nose and shrugs. "It doesn't smell like anything to me. Not good, not bad, just…home."

"It smells comforting, I guess. I mean it does smell really good too," I quickly add, feeling as if I've somehow insulted her family. "It smells like you." I don't know what makes me say it, but I wish I did so that I could find the source and introduce it to my foot.

Thankfully Spencer doesn't freak out, not that I exactly expected her to. "It smells _that_ good?" she jokes as she walks to stand next to me, purposely invading my space so I can "smell" her.

I laugh and pretend to take a quick sniff. "Ew," I wrinkle my nose in fake disgust, "guess it wasn't you that smelled good after all." She laughs and hits my arm before pulling me up the stairs to her room.

"Where is your family?" I ask once I notice how quiet it is.

"Oh, they're visiting grandma for the weekend." I suddenly feel nervous again. We're all alone. Just Spencer and me. _Us_. We're all alone in her house, and I'm staying over with her for the night. What have I gotten myself into?

"Why didn't you go?" I ask curiously. I know Granny Carlin isn't exactly in running for World's Best Grandmother, but Spencer usually goes with the family to visit her.

She took me with her once, and thankfully never tried again. Granny C gave me a full on polygraph because she said she felt like I was hiding something, and she didn't like secrets. Apparently I was _hiding_ that I was gay. Yeah, it was news to me too. All I knew for sure was that I didn't need a polygraph to tell me that she was crazy.

Spencer hesitates and it piques my interest even more. Well, that is, until she explains. "Carmen wanted me to stay and hang with her." I feel my happiness slowly deflate, as if it is in a balloon and some one is slowly letting out all the air.

"Oh," I say just so I can have a response, even one as lame as that.

She puts her hands together and I'm suddenly aware of how uncomfortable she seems to be. It makes me wonder about the cause. She seemed fine till we talked about her grandmother. So I can narrow it down to Granny or Carmen.

"So," she says trying to break the silence, "what movie do you want to watch?"

I get off the bed and walk over to sit next to her in front of her DVD collection. "Which one won't put you to sleep in five minutes?"

Spencer smiles and nudges me with her elbow in chastisement. "How about Ice Age?" She pulls out an old favorite of ours.

I smile back at her and nod enthusiastically. "Sounds great, Uncle Fungus." She laughs at my reference to one of our favorite parts.

She puts the DVD in the player and then walks over to me. "You want popcorn or anything?"

"Yeah, I'd like a root beer. And I don't want any of that shit you call popcorn unless I can actually pick it up without it slipping out of my fingers from all the butter on it."

She shakes her head and rolls her eyes. "Well smart ass, now you get to come help me get it."

I feel a little disappointed that she doesn't grab my hand to go get the food and drinks. I don't really know why I expect her to, but it still saddens me all the same. I can't help but notice that she does seem to be walking closer to me though, and I hate that I don't know if she really is closer, or if it's just my eyes seeing what I want to see.

"Three ice cubes," Spencer tells me as she gets the glasses out for our sodas, and I smile, touched that she remembers. It really hasn't been that long, but it's felt so long for both of us.

"Always," I nod and I walk over by her to get the popcorn bag.

I walk over to the microwave and press the appropriate buttons. I start to watch the bag spin on the turntable, mesmerized by the black pattern on the microwave door. I know it's bad to stare at it for long, but you can't help but be entranced by it. It's like a hypnotist circle just drawing you in. I shake my head to clear my daze and to give my eyes some rest, although now every time I blink, I see the pattern from behind my eyelids.

"Do you want some extra bu-" I cut myself off abruptly. I had turned to ask Spencer if she wanted more butter on the popcorn when it finished. I hadn't expected her to be right beside me. Last I had checked she was at the fridge getting our drinks ready.

I somehow manage to bump into her as I turn and I push her into the cabinet, trapping her between my body and the cabinet.

My eyes close in the moment, savoring the feel over her against me, even if it is purely by accident, even if it is purely "innocent." Though right now my thoughts aren't of the innocent kind. At least they aren't unless you call wanting to desperately kiss some one as innocent.

Because that's what I want to do right now, kiss her. I've wanted to before, sure, plenty of times. But never have I been this close. I can smell her stronger than ever, and I feel like I'm getting pulled in closer. Her eyes are still registering surprise from being run into, but they are still beautiful.

She puts out a hand on my shoulder to steady herself and it draws my gaze to hers. But this time, it's my eyes filled with surprise. Because for the first time, I can see my own want clearly reflected in Spencer's deep pools.

Her hand makes its way from my shoulder to my face and I close my eyes as she lightly caresses my cheeks and jaw. And right now, there is no fear. There is no Carmen. And there is no way I can stop myself now. I'm going to kiss Spencer, and she knows it too. She has already licked her lips in preparation.

In all the scenarios I've imagined this happening, I'm always the one who initiates it. So it's needless to say that I'm completely surprised as Spencer makes the move to lean towards me. Her other hand has joined its partner and she's gently but firmly holding my face. I manage to be coherent enough to move mine to her warm hips, just above where her sweatpants are and right below where her shirt ends. I lick my lips as well and then I close my eyes as we are mere inches apart.

Everything is silent to me. The only noise I hear is my own ragged breathing. My heart has some how ceased to pound, even though I'm surely taking in oxygen. And then I hear nothing at all, because I tune it all out. Because I don't want to hear, I just want to feel. Because I know nothing can top the feel of Spencer's mouth against mine.

However, in shutting out hearing, I still managed to leave smelling. And that's what pulls Spencer away from me suddenly and awakens all my senses at once.

"God, what's that smell?!" she demands as she holds a hand up to cover her nose.

I can't even mourn the loss of the moment because the smell is overwhelming. I look around for some time of air spray to defuse the smell, and that's when I discover the source.

"Spencer," I say weakly as I finally let the reality of our almost-kiss hit me, and I can't help but feel completely exhausted.

"Yeah?" she looks at me questioningly, her voice barely above I whisper, as if she's preparing for me to tell her something monumental.

"Popcorn's done," I answer lamely, gesturing to the microwave.

She shifts her gaze from me to the popcorn, unable to decide which should hold her interest. Then she suddenly slides to the floor and starts shaking. I quickly run over to her, concern etching its way to my features.

"Spence, what's wrong?" I ask worriedly.

It takes me a moment to realize why she's shaking. Spencer Carlin is laughing. Not just that, she's hysterical. She is laughing so hard, she can't even make a sound. It's so infectious that I soon find myself joining in, laughing at the absurdity.

"How-" she tries to speak between short breaths. "How…how long- did you put the popcorn in for?" she finally manages to get out, holding her side.

"I pressed the popcorn button," I mutter defensively. "It's not my fault the stupid microwave messed up."

She smiles shortly. "Ok, so you pressed the button. What size did you set it to?"

I give her a confused look. "Size?"

"Yeah," she says slowly, "for bag size."

"I didn't know I had to do that. I thought I just cycled through choices till I got to the appropriate amount of minutes." I avoid her amused gaze, not wanting to feel more stupid than I already do, and walk over to our drinks.

Spencer walks over to me and says gently, "Ash, what number choice did you pick?"

I stare at my shoes, not liking that she's using my weakness. Her. "Three."

She turns to the microwave and presses the same buttons I did. She bursts into laughter again as the microwave hums with life.

"What?" I ask defensively.

"Ash," she continues laughing, "you set it to cook for 5 minutes."

"Hey, how was I supposed to know you're microwave was incompetent? They really need a warning label or something."

"I don't think it was the microwave that was incompetent," she retorts lightly. "I bet that butter is looking pretty good right now, huh?"

"Sure," I shrug, "if you like your charcoal that way."

She smiles at me and I feel my embarrassment fade away. "It's ok Ash, we'll just order a pizza," she assures me as she picks up the phone and presses one button.

"Speed dial?" I raise my eyebrow.

"Glen," she murmurs, then quickly gives the order, ignoring my chants of '_Extra cheese_!' '_Ew, hell no, no mushrooms_!' and '_Don't you dare put anchovies on that pizza, Spencer Carlin_.'

It's five minutes into the movie, and I'm surprised to see Spencer still awake. I receive a hit on the arm in return for commenting on it. We're sitting together on the couch, but I have made sure to leave the perfect amount of distance in between us. Not too far apart to be awkward, but not too close to totally entrance me.

Not that that has stopped me from still being hyper aware of her. Not that it has stopped me from being able to smell her strawberry shower gel, or her mango shampoo, or simply just from feeling the warmth radiating off of her.

"I have to pee," Spencer says suddenly, making me laugh at her childishness. "Can I pause the movie?"

I sigh in fake frustration. "Fine, but you better hurry."

She gives me a big smile and then runs off to her bathroom, leaving me alone again with my thoughts. I don't particularly want to hear them though, because they are all about our almost kiss, and I can't help but wonder if that was my only chance and I blew it.

And did she really want to kiss me? It sure seemed like she did. But who knows. Maybe I read too much into it. I've definitely been known to do that. For all I know, my feelings for her were altering my perception and they just convinced me that she wanted to kiss me. Damn I hate when I get like this.

Thankfully Spencer comes back a few minutes later and interrupts my thoughts. She sits back down, and I can't help but notice that she is significantly closer. Our hips and arms are lightly touching, and although no other part of us is, I can't help but feel my whole body tingle. It makes me sit up straighter and ignore the questioning look Spencer sends my way at my uncomfortable looking posture.

"Ash," she says lightly after a few moments of silence.

"Yeah?" I answer, my eyes fixed on my hoodie strings I'm playing with.

"You know you can start the movie again. We don't have to stare at the same scene for the remainder of the night," she teases with a smile.

"Well this is your favorite part," I shrug, "I figured you wanted to savor it." I grab the remote and play the movie again, thankful that there is noise because I feel like my heart beat is echoing through the room.

"Ash," she says again, and something in her tone makes me look at her.

"Hm?" I question.

She suddenly looks a little shy. "Thanks for what you said to Carmen. I know you really didn't want to apologize, but she really appreciated it." I shrug if off like it's no big deal. "_I_ appreciated it," she adds quietly. And I can't help the goofy smile that forms on my face.

"Yeah, well, I did feel a little bad about ignoring her."

Spencer laughs. "Yeah right, you just felt bad I called you out. We all know you hate Carmen."

"Hey," I act appalled, "I don't hate her, I just don't particularly like her…at all," I add with a smile.

"I've always wondered why. I mean she's never been mean to you. She always invites you to hang out with us, she offered to do art work for the album you're working on. I don't get it." She shakes her head to clear her confusion.

I'm speechless. I can't even think of a good lie. Other than my own selfish reasons, I can't think of why I shouldn't like Carmen.

"Well, she…" I pause as I quickly try to come up with something that's not complete bull shit. "I just don't like her," I end up lamely saying, unable to think of something believable.

Spencer gives me an irritated look. "There has to be some reason," she prods. "Come on Ash, what is it?" She gently nudges me with her elbow, making me meet her eyes. I swear she has to know what her eyes to do to me.

I sigh, knowing I'll have to give her some type of answer. "There is just something about her I don't like. I can't put my finger on it, but I feel it." I would have been better off with a complete bull shit answer.

"So, you hate Carmen-"

"Strongly dislike," I correct.

"Ok, so you, 'strongly dislike'," she makes quotations with her fingers, "Carmen but can't explain why?" I don't like the tone she uses.

"Yeah," I shrug. "Look Spence, I honestly don't know why, ok?"

She gives me a searching look. "I'm sorry, I'm just trying to figure it out. You pretty much make a point to ignore Carmen when she's around. You don't ever want to hang out with me and her. And you absolutely can't stand when I go and hang out with Carmen. Oh my God!" she exclaims suddenly.

"What?" I don't like where this is going.

She looks at me like she's seeing me in a new light. "I know why you don't like Carmen!" she says slowly.

Oh crap. Oh shit! Why did she have to piece it together? Shit, what am I going to do? I guess I never really expected to be confronted about my feelings for Spencer by Spencer herself. "Why-why is that?" I stutter out.

"You're jealous!" she says excitedly, as if this was good news she was discovering.

I scoff, knowing I should act affronted. "I'm not jealous, especially of Carmen," I say firmly, even though she has no idea how much she just hit the nail on the head.

"Really?" she asks in a challenging, knowing tone.

"Why would I be?" And really, other than that fact that Carmen has Spencer- which is a huge deal- I have nothing to be jealous of Carmen. I've got eyes that work, I know I'm hot. Not that I had to see for myself, people told me enough as it was.

And not that Carmen is hideous, but she's no Ashley Davies either. Or Spencer Carlin for that matter. I honestly don't understand what Spencer sees in Carmen, but I'd prefer not to know. It would hurt too much to hear Spencer list all of Carmen's qualities- if there are any.

"I'm not really sure. I just know that ever since she and I started dating, you've gotten more distant, and that's the only thing I can think of. So are you, Ash? Are you jealous and worried that Carmen is going to take your place?" She leans and puts her face closer to mine and gives me a soft, caring look.

What can I say? I'm not worried about Carmen taking my place, she already has. I can't decide what to say, so I just decide to shrug.

Spencer gives me a small smile and puts a hand on my knee, her blue eyes filled with so much emotion. "Ash, Carmen isn't going to take your place. You'll always be my best friend." And just like that, the knife is thrust into my heart.

"Yeah," I hear myself utter, surprised I even manage that. Best friend, I echo to myself.

She must have noticed my dejected attitude, because she gets off the couch and kneels in front of me, raising my chin so that our eyes meet. "Carmen is my girlfriend, sure, but you, Ashley, you are so much more. You have to know that you'll always be number one."

My eyes close unwillingly, though I'm not sure if it's in pain or joy. Spencer just told me that I'm always first and that I'm so much more than her stupid girlfriend, which is great. But last time I checked, the title she gave me didn't allow me to kiss her, or hold her, or be with her. So really, what good was it?

"Yeah, I know," I whisper back, only because I feel like I should say something- well besides blurting out that I love her. She smiles at me warmly and throws her arms around me in a hug.

"I've missed this," she breathes into my shoulder. "I feel like things have been kind of tense or something, and I don't like it."

All I can do is hug her back and once again lose myself in everything that is Spencer, and wonder how in moments like this, Spencer can't tell how I feel about her, especially when I feel as if my heart is about to burst out of my chest. Thankfully it doesn't, but it would be kind of hard for it to explode within my chest, seeing as how Spencer has my heart.

"I've missed this too," I admit, pulling back from the hug so that I can look into her eyes and show her my sincerity. "I don't know what's been happening, but I felt it too, that we were kind of drifting apart or something," I partially lie, but really don't feel guilty about it.

She smiles at me, obviously glad that she wasn't crazy for thinking it. "Hey Ash?" she asks, and for some reason she sounds shy.

"Yeah?" I ask with interest, watching with some amusement as she stares at her lap and twiddles her fingers.

"Can I…" she cuts off and blushes and I can't help but think of how cute she looks. "Can I put my head in your lap?" she bites her lip and looks embarrassed for even suggesting it.

She shouldn't be though. Even though my heart is now crazily beating, it's not an unusual suggestion. We used to do this all the time when we would watch a movie. We never thought twice about it, it was just something we did.

I'm at a loss. I know I would love for her to, but I also know it will be so torturous to have her this close. Oh, fuck it! "Spence," I say, causing her to look up at me. "You know you don't have to ask," I finish with a laugh. Wow, I actually played that off, go Davies!

She gives me a shy smile. "Ok," she breathes out, and then shifts so she can rest her head in my lap.

My fingers automatically run through her soft tresses, making the blonde sigh contently. She puts her arms around my legs and starts playing with material of my jeans, her warm fingers making soft patterns. I'm just glad she is far away from my heart and can't feel how hard it's pounding, but I will put up with it as long as it means having Spencer with me.

The movie is still playing in the background, and as I look to the TV, I'm surprised to find that an hour of the movie had already passed. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, considering it was hard for me to focus on the movie when Spencer was the only thing in my line of vision. She hasn't moved or said anything in a while and it makes me wonder if she's asleep.

I gently remove my hands from her hair and check my phone for messages. _Hope it's going great! _is the message Kyla sent me. I smile but choose not to respond.

"Don't stop," I hear Spencer say quietly.

"Sorry," I whisper, "I thought you were asleep."

She shakes her head into my lap. "No. Although I am surprised. I already expected to be asleep."

"Yeah, me too," I laugh out.

Spencer lightly hits my shin in chastisement. "Seriously though, don't stop. That feels good." Her voice is quieter and sounds almost raspy, though it's hard to tell from her face being muffled by my thighs. It doesn't stop a warm feeling from shooting through my body.

"Sorry," I breathe out again, and my hands return to her silky hair.

"And Ash?"

I raise my eyebrows questioningly before I stupidly realize she can't see that action. "Yeah?"

"Stop saying sorry," she teases.

I smile. "_Sorry_, Spence."

"Smart ass," she replies playfully. "I love people playing with my hair. It always relaxes me and makes me sleepy."

"Yeah, I know," I smile fondly. "You always were so demanding."

"Yet you always give in. You always were so whipped," she jokingly turns on me. She sits up and I quickly move my hands, fearing I some how messed up.

"Spence?" I ask slightly worried.

"It's your turn."

"Oh, it's ok," I shrug, "you don't have to." I really don't need to let her touch me.

She shakes her head and smiles. "I want to. I love your hair, it's so beautiful."

I put my head in her lap, mentally rolling my eyes at my lack of a backbone. I instantly forget about my wish for a backbone as Spencer's soft, warm hand makes its way into my hair. My eyes close and just like Spencer did earlier, I sigh contently.

"God I love your hair so much," I hear Spencer say admiringly. "It's always so soft and…just so beautiful."

Giddiness sweeps through me at her words. "Just like the rest of me," I softly retort, feeling Spencer slightly shake with laughter.

"Exactly," she whispers, her tone sounding strangely serious.

We don't say much else, instead we are focused on the movie, or at least I assume Spencer is. I'm staring at the movie, but my mind is far from it. Instead it's focused on something much closer to me.

Spencer's other hand has started lightly scratching my back, and it's so soothing and excruciating at the same time that I feel slightly overwhelmed.

"So when are you going to tell me what you were thinking about earlier today?" Spencer breaks our silence.

I instantly tense up and I know she feels it. "I told you my mom-"

"Come on Ash, we both know that's bull." She doesn't say it in a mean way, but it still gets me slightly angry.

"Why does it matter? I'm not ready to talk about it," I tell her firmly, sitting up and shifting so that I'm not touching her anymore. It's much easier to think this way.

"Because I want to know what's bothering you, why you've been so distant lately." Once again her voice is gentle, but it doesn't phase me.

I scoff. "_I've_ been distantly lately? Spencer, I've been so there it's not even funny."

Remember how I said I knew it would turn into a fight because Spencer could only be her sweet self for so long? Well here you go. "Yeah, you're here. But wherever here happens to be, you are only physically there."

I give her an annoyed look. "What's with the psycho-analytical bull shit?" I demand, maybe because I really do want to know. Or maybe because I want her to feel a fraction of the hurt that I feel every time I'm around her.

Spencer sends me a strong glare. "Stop being such a hard ass. You know that whenever you hang with me and Carmen it's obvious that you'd rather be anywhere else. Why is it like that Ashley? Why?" Her hard look softens a bit as her eyes meet mine. "I know you don't like Carmen and don't want to hang with her that often, but isn't it enough that I want you there? That I'm there too?"

It used to be. God did it used to be. But now-now it's never enough. It feels like nothing will ever be enough unless she's mine. And since that will never happen, I'll never be whole. Never be fully satisfied with anything. God I'm depressing.

"I just…" I throw my hands up in frustration for not being able to find the right words and for being in this sucky conversation in the first place.

"Why is it like this, Ashley?" she repeats again, her tone sounding defeated and instantly making me feel like complete shit. But I can't fully back down yet. "When did I become not enough?"

When you became too much, I think sadly. "When I became the third wheel. When I stopped being your best friend and became the friend who you felt obligated to meet your girlfriend and maybe make a few attempts to balance your time with." It's sad how perfectly that sums up how I feel.

Her eyes widen in surprise as if I just slapped her. "Ash." She puts a hand on my leg. "I had no idea you felt that way. You never stopped being my friend. Never," she repeats firmly, as if saying it twice will double the assurance. "Why didn't you tell me you felt that way?"

I give a short, harsh laugh. "Remember that last time I tried saying something?"

_"Hello?" I answered my phone with fake reluctance._

_"Guess who is coming over to see their best friend?" Spencer's cheery voice came through the phone._

_"Hmm," I said thoughtfully, "I'm going to have to go with Madison."_

_"Bitch," she laughed out. "Meee!" she sang out joyfully._

_"Oh, I was hoping it was Madison," I deadpanned with a smile._

_"Nah, she was busy and couldn't make it," she joked, and I could imagine her smile._

_I heard noise in the background. "You listening to the radio?" _

_"No," she said and didn't offer anymore information, and I instantly knew what the noise was._

_"Say hey to Jenny for me." I wondered if my voice sounded as defeated as I thought it did._

_Spencer obviously noticed my tone. "It's not a problem, is it?" I hated when she did that. She asked it in such a way where if I said yes, I'd seem like a bitch and I'd feel guilty the rest of the time._

_"No, not a problem. I just thought it would just us, you know?" I tried not to sound needy._

_"Ash," she laughed out, "we can hang out anytime. Come on, it will be fun with all three of us. You can't say no," she told me, "because I'm already pulling into your street, so be ready in three!" With that she hung up the phone and left me to go grab my purse._

_Spencer had just dropped of Jenny off after our "wonderful evening!" Sarcasm. It was just her and I, and the tension was super thick. Spencer and I didn't really talk to each other during our dinner. I tried, but after either being ignored or receiving short distracted answers from Spencer, I gave up._

_ Jenny -oh darling, oblivious Jenny- just talked on like Spencer and I were deeply interested in whatever pointless story Jenny was telling. I was in bitch mood and every time Jenny told a story, I would excitedly clasp my hands together and say "I can't believe that!" in an overdramatic giddy voice. Spencer would roll her eyes at me, but Jenny would say, "Oh I know!" and give me a big smile._

_Anyway, it was silent in the car, and I refused to speak first. Apparently Spencer finally realized it because she said, "So," as if that would spark a good conversation, as if that was the only prompting I needed._

_"So?" I repeated back, giving her an eyebrow raise._

_"So why don't you like this one?" Spencer's tone was tired._

_"I don't know." I shrugged. "Why wouldn't I like some one whose IQ you can count on one hand?"_

_Spencer rolled her eyes. "She's sweet and nice."_

_"Just like your mom."_

_She rolled her eyes again. "Oh stop."_

_"You can continue dating Einstein if you want, but just let me stay at home. I'd rather keep my brain cells." I didn't feel like being nice._

_"You didn't have fun tonight?" she asked with surprise._

_"Well normally I love being ignored, but for some reason tonight it bothered me," I retorted sarcastically._

_She turned to look at me. "You weren't ignored," she said firmly._

_"I might as well have been invisible. Every time I talked I'd either be ignored or you would act like I just said the dumbest thing in the world. Which," I stuck a finger at her, "would be pretty hard considering Jenny was talking."_

_"That's not true," she scoffed._

_"That's so true," I countered, giving her a challenging look. "It's like you were embarrassed of me or something."_

_"Not even, Ash." I got angry at the nickname. She didn't get to use it in situations like this. That nickname was only allowed when she was trying to comfort me, or when she was using it sweetly. Not like this._

_"Spencer, I wouldn't make this up. I don't want to go out with you guys anymore. Date her if you want, just don't make me the third wheel."_

_"Whatever, you're just jealous. I'm trying to include you in activities with my girlfriend. I don't want you to be left out." She threw up her hands in defeat._

_"Oh yeah, you did a great job of that," I said sarcastically. "And I'm not jealous! Would you stop implying that? I just don't like being treated like I'm a burden, especially considering you invited me!" I turned my body back towards the front, signaling an end to the conversation._

_I heard Spencer sigh but didn't know whether it was in defeat or frustration. "Ashley, you have no reason to be jealous."_

_I scoffed and gave her an incredulous look. "Did you just not hear my last words? I'm not jealous! Whatever, just take me home so I can cry myself to sleep because of my jealousy," I bit off angrily._

_We sat in silence the rest of the time and didn't talk for two days after that, even ignoring each other at school._

"God Ash," she says sadly. "I'm so sorry. I just want so much for you to like my girlfriends, whether it's Carmen or some one named Patty."

I can't help the laugh that escapes. "Patty? How many people named Patty do you know?"

"You'd be surprised," she smiles back. "But really, I do want to have a balance. You know I want to hang with you, but I also like spending time with Carmen. I just thought it would be fun to combine it. I know how great you are and how much I enjoy being with you, and I know how great Carmen is and how much I love being with her." I wonder if she can feel my heart breaking. "I just wanted to have both of those. Maybe I was being selfish and too optimistic," she says with a defeated shrug.

I hate that she is sad. I really didn't want to ever hang with her and Carmen again, but I knew that my feelings for Spencer generally had me doing things I didn't want to. "No," I find myself saying, "you weren't. We can hang out, all of us." I flash her a smile to reassure her.

She smiles brightly and suddenly wraps her arms around me. "Thanks Ash!" she breathes into my shoulder, making a goofy smile appear on my face. I'm just glad she can't see it. "You won't regret it," she promises. "And who knows, maybe Carmen can bring some one for you." She pulls back and gives me an excited look.

Fuck no! I think to myself. I don't even want to imagine what kind of trash Carmen is friends with. "No, that's ok. I don't like being set up. Plus I'm not really looking."

Spencer gets a shocked look on her face. "Ashley Davies not looking? Are you sick?" she puts a hand to my forehead in mock concern.

She doesn't know I'm not looking because I've already found some one. Her.

I playfully swat her hand away. "Ashley Davies never looks, she always gets found." I brush my shoulder off, making Spencer laugh.

She suddenly turns serious, but gives me a soft smile. "Well the girl who finds you is lucky."

I don't know what to say. It was a sweet thing to say, but if she can see that, why can't she see anything else? "Spence," I say, simply because I'm not sure what else to say, and saying her name always feels so good.

"Who knows, maybe you'll find your own Carmen."

And I wonder how she can't-at least this time- hear my heart break. "Yeah," I breathe out quietly, hoping I mask my sadness.

She touches my shoulder. "Ash?" she asks with concern. Apparently I didn't do a good job.

I shake my head and give her a smile. "So you've stayed awake through the whole movie," I swiftly change subjects. I put my phone up to her mouth, acting like it's a microphone. "How do you feel about that?" I use my best reporter voice.

"Well Ashley, it feels pretty damn good," she plays along with a smile. "And now I'm pretty damn tired."

"Damn straight!" I finish with a laugh.

I grab the remote and turn off the movie, pretending to ignore the hand Spencer has stuck out for me to grab to pull her up. "Ok, night Spencer," I wave as I start to walk off.

"Ash," she whines petulantly. I turn to see her pouting, her hand still stuck out expectantly.

I give a dramatic sigh and walk over to her. "Fine." I grab her hand and purposely pull weakly. "Wow, some one has been into the Girl Scout cookies."

"Meanie." She maturely sticks her tongue out at me.

"I thought sugar was supposed to make people sweeter?" I joke as I finally pull her off the couch, making sure I quickly let go of her hand.

I suddenly feel Spencer push my back and I trip on her evil foot that has sneakily made its way in front of mine. I quickly approach the floor and I am instantly glad that the Carlin's thought to carpet it.

Making a mental note to randomly thank them-or the contractor- I lock my foot around Spencer's ankle and smile evilly as she trips too. Maybe I should have used a little more foresight before doing that move, because now she is falling right over me.

"Oomph!" I breathe out heavily, closing my eyes at the pain of her bones colliding with mine. I always thought that was a gross sound.

"Mm sorry," I hear Spencer breathe out, shaking slightly. It takes a moment for me to realize that she's laughing. It takes a lot less time for me to remember that she's now on top of me. My body reacts even quicker. Every place in me is alive with fire, and I curse my traitorous heart for its heavy beating. There is no way Spencer can't feel it.

As if reading my thoughts, Spencer lifts her head and looks at me questioningly. "Ash?" she whispers uncertainly.

I wish she wouldn't have looked at me. It was hard enough with just having her on top of me, but now that her gorgeous eyes have met mine, it's so much harder to suppress the urge to kiss her. Before my brain was just whispering. Now that our eyes have met, it's a full fledge scream.

I quickly remember that she said my name. "Yeah?" I swallow heavily, unable to look away from her eyes.

"I-" she begins, but then shakes her head to cut herself off. I almost moan when I see her eyes flicker down to my lips and she softly licks her own.

I feel a vibration against my leg, and I'm startled for a moment before I realize that Spencer's phone is in her pocket and that's the sensation I'm feeling. She grabs her phone from her pocket and opens it and quickly scans the message.

"Carmen," she says quietly, and I can't help but think of how ironic it is; Carmen interrupting our moment. Carmen being the reason we shouldn't have moments. The reason we _can't_ have moments.

"Carmen," I echo, and I gently push up on her to give her the hint to get off, accepting the hand she offers to help me up. "Well I'm going to go to bed," I say in an attempt to stop any awkward silences.

She nods in understanding. "Ok. Yeah, me too."

We walk to my room and both of us stop as we see her bed. So much for awkward silences, I think as we continue to stare at the bed as if staring at it will make things instantly better. I can't help but think that it's like the elephant in the room that every one sees but no one wants to be the first to say something.

I walk over to my bag to give me something to do. I grab my pajamas and start to pull off my hoodie before I stop myself and walk to her bathroom.

This is ridiculous. We change in front of each other all the time. And all I have to do is just take off my hoodie and put some shorts on-that's all. Yet I'm acting like I have to get completely naked. God, ok, so not that mental image I want when I'm in Spencer's room.

I finish changing and walk through the door to see Spencer pulling her tank top over her stomach. I stop and can't help but take in a sharp breath of air. Even though I didn't see much, it still excites me and reminds me of how beautiful she is. I shake my head to stop from staring and I walk over and climb into her bed.

Spencer soon joins me and even though there is a good amount of space in between us, I can still feel her- of course being in her bed helps too. It smells just like her and I turn onto my stomach so I can breathe her in.

We lay in silence and I turn onto my back, just so there is some noise to cut through the quietness. I roll my eyes at our behavior, but don't feel up to doing anything to change it.

"This is stupid," Spencer finally breathes out.

I glance at her and see that she is staring at the ceiling. "Yeah it is. Why is this so-" I cut off.

"Awkward?" she supplies as she turns to face me.

I laugh, glad that she knew what I was thinking and that even with all that's been going on between us, she still has best friend telepathy. "Yeah," I laugh again. "Stop being so weird, Spencer," I order her softly.

"Me?" she points to herself. "You are the weird one. Always have been."

"I'm only weird because I'm friends with a weirdo," I counter, glad that we are slipping back into best friends mode so quickly. "It's like I'm guilty by association." I shrug.

"Well at least I'll have some company in jail then. You can help keep Helga away."

I laugh loudly and give her an amused look. "You and these random names."

"Doesn't Helga sound like a manly girl name? The type of girl who'd be willing to taint a beautiful blonde girl like me?" Spencer gives me a big smile.

I nudge her shoulder. "Nah, don't worry, I don't think Helga's into the whole cockiness thing. Plus she'd be too distracted by my hot body to even look your way." I stretch and purposely let my shirt ride up to show my stomach.

Spencer gives me a doubtful look. "Are you sure we're talking about the same body?" She pokes my stomach and shakes her head in disappointment.

I can't quite stifle the giggle that escapes. She knows I'm ticklish. "Rock hard, baby!" I try not to notice how good that simple, cool touch feels on my hot skin.

"Eh," she shrugs, "it's ok." I laugh at her and shake my head. "You might want to lay off those pudding cups, though. Sugar free doesn't mean calorie free," she teasingly advises as she pokes me again.

I laugh and flatten her hand on my stomach to stop it from torturing me anymore. I question my decision- wondering if I'd be better off with the tickling- when instead of tickling me, her hand begins gently rubbing my stomach. My stomach tingles pleasurably, and I close my eyes and focus on even breathing.

"You really do have nice abs," she finally concedes, and I can hear the envy in her voice.

I don't speak. I'm too content with her fingers lightly stroking to even try to think of a response, witty or not. Instead I stretch my body out and try to let my mind clear of everything but her simple touch.

Spencer's fingers stop their caress and I tense up for fear that she some how figured out my feelings for her. I don't know how she would manage to guess it from that, but still.

I can feel her eyes on me and I start to open my eyes to see if I can read the look she's giving me. That plan goes back to the drawing board as I feel the bed shift as she gets closer to me and she starts lightly rubbing my arm. Immediately the tension leaves my body and I sigh happily.

Maybe this is enough. Maybe simply having Spencer in my life is enough. But as much as I wish it was, I know it's not. I had to go and fall in love with her, forever changing things. I know that only Spencer can fill this hole, and it has to be all of Spencer, because a fraction of her simply wouldn't be enough.

And that's what keeps me in her life. That's what always brings me back to her- the hope that one day, I will have all of her, even if I have to wait forever. Because maybe forever is sooner than either of us know. I can only hope.

"Spencer," I finally say, feeling as if I owe her something.

"Hm?" she breathes out sleepily, her fingers still tracing patterns on my arm.

"You have nice abs too."

I can hear her amused eye roll. "Shut up and go to sleep, Ash," she laughs out, hitting my arm before resuming her drawing.

"I don't want to," I say quietly, wondering why I'm going to be so truthful. I guess the dark makes me braver, makes me feel like I have a mask.

"Why not?" she asks curiously.

I shift my eyes to her. "Because I don't want tonight to end," I confess shyly and slightly nervously.

Her hand stops its movement and she doesn't remove it, but she doesn't go back to stroking my arm either.

"Spence?" I say cautiously. Maybe she read too much into it. Maybe she didn't feel the same way?

"Sorry," she breathes out, flashing me a smile, "kind of zoned out." She finally takes her hand back, and I can't help but be disappointed by the action. "I don't either. It's been great. But this is a good step for us," she assures me.

"Yeah," I smile and nod, "it is. No more you being weird," I tell her.

She laughs and smiles back. "Ok, I promise. And no more you being the third wheel," she says seriously.

I don't fully believe it, but I accept her offer to try. "How about no more Carmen?" I half joke.

"Ok," she says simply, and my eyes quickly meet hers in question.

"Spence, I was just kidding," I assure her quickly.

"I know, but I'm serious. If you don't like her, I won't stay with her."

Isn't this what I want, Spencer to be done with Carmen? Hell yeah it is! I tell myself, just not like this. I will feel horrible if I mess up Spencer's happiness. "Spencer, I know she makes you happy, and that's what matters." I take her hand and squeeze it. "I'll just imagine some one else's face on her body."

She laughs like I hope and I know I've cleared things up. "Thanks, Ash." She gives my hand a squeeze in return. "Now rub my back," she jokingly orders and turns her back towards me.

"Sheesh, ok Ms. Needy," I sigh and wink at her and then begin to gently rub her back as she asked.

"You always did have soft hands," she sighs.

"Compared to your man hands, everyone does."

"Hey," she scoffs, "my mom says I have beautiful hands."

"She also says Glen is such a cutie," I remind her. "I think she's a little biased."

"Whatever Ash," she laughs out.

Moments later I hear her deep breathing, and I know she's asleep. I love times like this, when she falls asleep first. When I can take her in without worrying. When I can take my time enjoying the beauty of Spencer. When I can fall in love all over again.


	4. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own South of Nowhere or any of the characters affiliated with it. SoN is property of Tom Lynch and The N.**

**A/N:**_ First I want to thank everyone for reading this story! Especially all who have reviewed and/or added this story to your favorites or me as your favorite author! *insert blush here*. You inspire me to write more and more. And now onward to chapter 3!  
_

_Reviews are greatly appreciated, as always. __:)_

_---_

_**Chapter 3  
**_

I don't know why I even pretend like I have to think it over. Spencer just asked me to go to a club with her and Carmen and, like a spineless jellyfish, I agreed. As soon as the words left her mouth I foresaw myself agreeing. I hate me sometimes.

"Yay!" Spencer says excitedly as she clasps my arm to her warm side. "And you better give me a dance."

I offer her a smile, knowing it's the best I can do. Every time we go out to the club, I always dance with Spencer, regardless if Carmen is there. Carmen doesn't like to dance-or maybe she just has no rhythm- so I always step in. I'm always happy to do so.

But lately I haven't felt like putting myself in that close of proximity to Spencer. I don't think Spencer knows this, but sometimes I feel like she purposely invades my space because she knows how I feel. I know Spencer isn't vindictive like that, but some times a girl can't help but think that way.

So now here I am, sitting at a bar with my "favorite" duo, trying not to sip on my Jack and Coke too fast. After all, we did take my brand new Ferrari, and I'm not too keen on having it wrapped around a tree. But I honestly feel like I need a little alcohol in me to loosen me up. Or at least so I am more apt to pretend to like Carmen.

"Hey Ash, you want another drink?" I hear Spencer ask me.

I look down at my glass and am surprised to see it mostly gone. Damn, looks like I'm getting a cab tonight. "Uh, sure, that'd be great. Thanks." I give her a grateful smile that immediately turns into a frown as I realize I am now alone with Carmen. Oh boy.

"So, looks like we're walking home?" Carmen attempts to joke, and maybe because of the alcohol, I find myself giving her a laugh.

"You mean you don't want to spend the night in jail?" I ask her in a disappointed voice. Maybe Carmen isn't too bad. I mean she can be funny….sort of.

"Nah, three months was enough for me," she says seriously as she looks into her beer with a strange expression.

Oh. Really, what do you say to that? Do I say, '_Oh, I'm sorry_,' or '_That sucks_,' or '_Serves you right, bitch_!' Somehow I don't think Spencer would appreciate the last option, even though I would thoroughly enjoy it.

I hear a light snort and I look over to see Carmen wearing a huge ass grin. "Ok, so I totally didn't know you would take me seriously."

I look her up and down, taking in her appearance. She looks like a homeless person who would break a bottle and cut you with the broken glass. What? She really does!

"Well why wouldn't I believe you? Who lies about time in jail?" I ask defensively as I begin to feel very stupid. And where in the hell did Spencer go with my drink? I really need it right now.

"Well," she pauses as if to consider, "maybe people who have never done time?" she finishes rhetorically. I'm quickly reminded of why I don't like Carmen.

Spencer returns-finally!- and I'm even more reminded of why Carmen sucks ass big time. "Here you go." She hands me my drink with a huge smile as she sees that Carmen and I have been talking.

"Thanks," I say politely as I take a big drink from my glass, emptying it almost halfway- much to the amazement of Spencer and Carmen.

"So, what were you two talking about?" Spencer asks all nonchalant, even though we can see the interest clearly in her blue eyes.

"My jail time," Carmen shrugs, patting her lap to motion for Spencer to sit there.

I look at Carmen's lap with disgust. "Me throwing up," I mumble into my glass.

"Your what?" Spencer asks confused.

"Me growing up," I quickly recover, smiling mid drink at my quickness. I feel Carmen give me a strange look but I pointedly ignore it- and her.

"I love this song!!" Spencer says excitedly as she jumps off Carmen's lap and stands beside me with an expectant look.

I look to Carmen, almost in a reflex, to gauge her reaction. Finding a blank look, I finish the rest of my drink and happily take Spencer's hand and lead us to the dance floor.

"So Ms. Inebriated, you think you can keep up with me?" Spencer lightly teases as she puts her arms around my neck and mine fall similarly to her hips.

"Yessh," I slur as I play along. "Spencerrr I lurve you!!" I shout loudly, making the blonde laugh and place a hand over my mouth in embarrassment.

"Ash," she chastises and she looks around sheepishly.

I walk us over to another couple dancing and tap the guy on his shoulder. "I lurve her!" I give him a big grin and pretend to stumble into Spencer. They guy gives me a smile and sends Spencer a thumbs up before turning back to his girl.

"Ash, I swear," she rolls her eyes in fake exasperation.

I give her a sweet smile and roll my hips into hers to the beat, trying to act like the action is simply friendly. Trying to act as though my whole being doesn't ignite. "What?" I say innocently, "I do lurve you."

She smiles again and slaps my shoulder playfully. "You're embarrassing."

"Ah, but you lurve me too, right?" Again I give her an ear splitting grin.

Spencer stares into my eyes for a long moment, and I begin to wish I was drunk so that I wouldn't feel the awkwardness that somehow crept up.

"I do," she whispers with a nod. "Now let's show them what we got!"

Now I know Spencer is hot. And I know I'm hot. So needless to say, we can attract quite a crowd when we dance together, which is what is happening now.

We are both feeling hot and a little sweaty, but we are stubbornly refusing to stop and get some fresh air. We are in our zone and we can't be interrupted.

Apparently Carmen didn't know this. "Mind if I cut in?" she asks in a somewhat harsh tone, clearly surprising Spencer and me. Not just because of her tone, but because she actually is making an effort to dance.

"Sure," I try to smile, even though I just wanted to keep holding Spencer and have her body touch mine so deliciously. And it's not like I could tell Carmen, '_No, you cannot dance with your own girlfriend,_' no matter how much I wish I could.

"Carmen, you're going to dance?" Spencer asks in surprise, giving her girlfriend an unsure look. "You know you don't have to."

Carmen shrugs and quickly glances at me before saying, "You always have so much fun out here, so I wanted to have fun with you."

Translation: '_You are all up on Ashley and I'm crazy jealous and don't want you to possibly like her even though she is totally hot and loves you so much and I know you can come to love her too_.'

Ok, so maybe that wasn't _exactly_ what Carmen was saying, but you get the gist.

I look from Carmen to Spencer, holding in my triumphant smirk as I see Carmen's horrible attempt at dancing. "I'm going to go sit down."

"Ok, see you in a few," Spencer says with a smile, her arm touching mine briefly so that our eyes meet.

I nod, trying to remind myself not to let my eyes close, because her touch feels that good. She gives my arm a light squeeze and then turns back to Carmen.

"I saw you dancing out there."

I turn to find an attractive redhead sitting next to me. "Oh yeah? Did you learn some new things?" I tease.

She gives me a flirty challenging look. "I learned that you have some hot moves."

"Well anyone with eyes can see that. Anyway I can learn your name?" Yeah I know what you are thinking, and I do love Spencer, but Carmen kind of rains on that parade, don't you think?

She holds out a delicate hand. "It's Ginger. And yours, hot stuff?"

I smile and bow as I take her hand. "Ashley, dance extraordinaire at your service."

"Any service?" she asks huskily with an eyebrow raise.

I like this game. There are no uncertainties here like there are with Spencer. We both know what we want and we both know it will not mean anything. "Well that depends on-"

"Ashley, are you ready to go?" Spencer says and she tugs a relieved looking Carmen with her. "Who are you?" she demands as she spots Ginger.

"Ginger. You?" Ginger asks coolly, obviously noticing the look in Spencer's eyes.

"Spencer. You ready to go Ash?" she asks again, pointedly turning away from Ginger.

"I can get Ashley back home safely. You and…your friend, can go back home. She's in safe hands," Ginger assures Spencer with a challenging look, putting a soft hand on my shoulder.

Oh shit. Not here. Not now! I know what Ginger is doing, and as much as part of me likes this cat fight, another part knows hell will break lose.

"I should go," I tell Ginger, ignoring the triumphant, bitchy look Spencer is wearing at my declaration. "But let me get your number." Spencer's face drops and now the victorious look is on Ginger's face.

"Hit me up some time. I'll make time for you," Ginger promises with a seductive wink at me. "Nice meeting you Spander." We all know Ginger purposely butchered the name.

"Yeah, you too Herpes," Spencer shoots back and then grabs my arm and pulls me outside. I guess Carmen follows, but I honestly could care less.

"I probably shouldn't drive," I inform Spencer as she continues to pull me towards my car. It's been eerily quiet and tense, and I don't like it one bit.

Carmen has noticed too. She puts a tentative hand on Spencer's arm. "Babe you need to slow down. You've almost gotten us hit about four times."

"Pedestrians have the right-of-way," Spencer bites of harshly, making Carmen flinch and back away. She then turns to me. "Give me your keys, I'm driving."

I know better than to argue with her. Right now she isn't Spencer, she's Paula Carlin, and that's more than enough reason to let her do her thing. I hand her the keys, which she snatches up and then walks faster to my car, still dragging me along. I don't even try to break my grip.

"Spencer, I think you can release Ashley and let circulation flow to her arm again," Carmen says gently, obviously not knowing what to make of Spencer's mood.

Spencer whips around to Carmen with a questioning look before her eyes find my arm and she quickly lets go. "Sorry," she mumbles quietly.

"Who needs blood in that arm anyway?" I tease Spencer, glad when she laughs and gives a small smile. I stop as I recognize that Carmen isn't right with us. I turn and see that she is about ten feet behind us, giving Spencer and me a strange look.

"Carmen?" Spencer asks uncertainly.

"Yeah, sorry, I'm coming." The brunette catches up with us but remains silent.

"Shotgun!" I yell excitedly as I run to my car and hop in the passenger seat.

Spencer laughs at me fondly. "Ok drunky, take the front."

I stop as I realize I probably should let Carmen have the front. After all, she is Spencer's girlfriend. But come on, every one knows the rules of shotgun. She lost fair and square!

"Actually I think I'll ride in back and lay down, you know, sleep off some of my Jack and coke." Spencer doesn't know that I really didn't have that much to drink, but it's better this way. Who knows, maybe I can count this as my good deed of the day.

"Can I stay over at your place?" Spencer asks into the silence of the car. It's one of those silences where everyone has a lot on their mind, so it's not necessarily awkward, just uncomfortable.

"Babe, you know you're parents won't let you stay over," Carmen says, looking regretful.

Spencer, on the other hand, looks uncomfortable and awkward. "Uh yeah, I-uh… I actually was talking to Ashley," she says hesitantly, purposely avoiding whatever look Carmen is sending her way. I find myself sitting up in interest.

"Uh yeah sure," I manage to utter with some casualness. "You want to borrow some of my clothes again?" I instantly regret my words as I see Carmen mouth '_again_?' to herself. Damn you mouth, have you no filter?

"Uh no, I uh, I think I'll just stop by my house before, if that's ok?" I'm sure anyone listening in on our conversation would be laughing at the tension in the car, but none of us find it amusing-just plain awkward! I'm sure we're all trying to find ways to talk without saying the word 'uh' first. It's obviously not going so well.

"Yeah that's fine." Woo, go me, nice complete non-awkward sentence! Ok, well other than Carmen, but come on, who really wants to include her in anything?

"Ok, well since my house is first, mind if I stop by there before dropping you off, Carmen?" Spencer obviously makes an effort to include Carmen.

The bitch has been unusually quiet, and even though normally I'd love her silence, now I know it's not a good sign.

I see Carmen turn towards Spencer. "Sure, that's fine." No babe, no sweetheart, nothing.

"I'll be back in a few minutes!" Spencer promises, maybe sensing that Carmen and I never want to be in the same room together, especially alone.

"So you and Ginger, huh?" Carmen finally speaks as soon as Spencer closes the door. It makes me feel like she has been bursting to say that the whole car ride. She probably has. Bitch.

"Maybe, but I doubt it. She's not really my type," I shrug, wondering why she cares.

"Beautiful and easy isn't your type?" she says without any tone, and that's when I start to really get pissed off. Where is she going with this?

"No. Unlike Spencer, I don't like settling for the easy girls." There's no need for the bitch tone I use and the pointed look I give Carmen, but I do it anyway.

"I want you to back off Ashley," she orders.

I roll my eyes at her and give her an incredulous look. "Yeah ok, because I'll gladly do what you want."

"Seriously. She's _my_ girlfriend."

"And?" I question rhetorically. "She's _my _best friend, and has been much longer than you've been around," I point out.

"You like her." I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, but I did think I was hiding it a little better than that. Obviously not. "And although Spencer doesn't know it yet, she will find out. And she's going to have to let you down somehow. You know Spencer won't leave you, but she'll just take that much longer to break your heart. And she will break your heart, because she's with me." Wow, can she be anymore conceited?

As much as I hate to admit it, Carmen does have a point. Spencer will never just abandon me, but she is already unknowingly breaking my heart. "You don't know anything about Spencer other than that she's friends with me. And that's all you need to know, because it's obviously enough to have you jealous."

I smile triumphantly when I see she has no comment. "And if you are so sure that Spencer will break my heart, why are you telling me to back off? Why are you so threatened Carmen, if Spencer and I are 'just friends'?" Carmen needed to be put in her place, that's for sure.

Carmen regards me for a moment, deciding if I was firm in my belief or not. "Fine, do what you want. But just remember that Spencer is the one who asked me out. She found me. How long have you been by her side and she's overlooked you? I knew Spencer for two weeks before she asked me out. But that's nothing on your three years, is it?" she sneers mockingly.

Spencer finally comes back, and I can't be happier about her timing. I really am not sure what I can say in response to Carmen's comment, and I don't want her to know she got to me. "Sorry I took so long," she apologies swiftly as she sees the anger in my eyes and the bitchy smile in Carmen's. "Mom had to give me the curfew rules." She rolls her eyes. "So we ready?"

"We are baby," Carmen smiles as she takes Spencer's hand, and it takes everything in me not to kick the back of her seat with all my strength.

"Yeah, we should get Carmen home so we can go to my house." I stare at Carmen the whole time I say this. It's bitchy, I know it, and I'll gladly do it again.

"No rush," Carmen assures us '_sweetly,_' "I'm not in any hurry to get home."

Damn you! I inwardly curse her. "Well I'm feeling pretty tired from dancing with Spencer." Yep, I glance at Carmen as I say this too. I even throw in a nice big yawn for added effect. "Plus the alcohol has me tired, so I kind of want to get into bed." This time I look at Spencer and give her my pleading eyes, the ones I know she has trouble resisting.

Spencer turns and looks at me. "Don't worry Ash, we'll get you to bed. I'll even tuck you in," she promises with a pretty smile and a wink.

I smile back and make a big show of grabbing her hand and squeezing it. "You're the best _Spence._"

Yep, I purposely emphasized the nickname. For some reason Carmen won't say it, and it makes it that much more special to me.

"Damn, I don't think I have my key. I probably won't be able to get in my house." Carmen hits her forehead dramatically, making me roll my eyes at her horrible acting skills. There is no way she's coming over to my house!

"Aw babe, well what are you going to do?" Spencer asks. I look at Spencer through rear view mirror and I shake my head slightly, letting her know I don't want Carmen over. I also inwardly gag at the pet name Spencer uses.

"I'm not sure. My parents are gone so I can't ask them to let me in." Sure they are, I think sarcastically. Carmen is really laying it on thick.

"Why don't you just break in? Surely that's not foreign to you," I sneer, finally ending the politeness that I maintain for Spencer's sake.

"Ash," Spencer chastises. I can tell from her tone and the look on her face that she doesn't want to deal with this right now. "Carmen, is there not some one else you can call?" Her eyes meet mine again, and I see the pleading look. She's begging me to reconsider.

I sigh as I realize I'm once again going to give in to Spencer. "Carmen, would you like to stay over at my house with us?" I ask through gritted teeth. I don't even try to sound polite. We all know it would be fake anyway.

"Wow, really?" she excitedly asks. I just want to punch her and say, '_Fuck no bitch!_' but I know that Spencer wouldn't look past that. Cue whipping noise.

"Yeah, there is plenty of room." God I hate doing this.

"Ok, yeah. Thanks!" She turns to Spencer and smiles. "Looks like you will be staying with me after all, babe."

Oh boy, just what I wanted. NOT.

I send a quick text to Kyla telling her to kill me now.

_Night went that well?_ She texts back.

_You have no idea! Prepare yourself._

We arrive at my house and I can see Carmen looking up in awe. I'm sure it's a mansion compared to her cardboard box. Ok, so I actually haven't seen Carmen's house, but I'd much rather assume than actually know.

"Well I am going to sleep with Kyla. You can have my bed, Spence. Carmen, you can have the laundry room rug- I mean you can sleep wherever," I correct as Spencer gives my arm a sharp hit.

I really really really don't want them both in my bed. I don't want Carmen's diseases to be transferred to my clean sheets. Plus I just really don't want them in my bed together.

"Ok well Spence, you know where everything is so you can show Carmen. Feel free to eat and drink whatever. Oh, except the bottle of Merlot. That's my mom's. It's the one thing in this house she actually loves." I give a bitter laugh and quickly mask it as I realize I revealed a vulnerability to Carmen.

Spencer walks over to me and puts a soft hand on my arm. "You think she'd notice if I spit in her precious bottle of Merlot?" she asks with such a serious expression that I can't help but laugh.

I don't say anything, but I know she can see the appreciation in my eyes. Carmen obviously can too, because she coughs and then asks Spencer if she's ready for bed, effectively stopping a moment from forming.

"Yeah," Spencer nods towards Carmen before turning to me. "Night Ash," she smiles and gives the arms she's holding a soft squeeze.

"Night Spence," I smile back. "Carmen," I nod toward the other brunette. I turn and head to Kyla's room, desperately trying to stop myself from turning around and watch them head to my room. Together.

"Ash what are you doing in here?" Kyla asks curiously as I come in carrying a blanket and pillow.

"Ugh," I sigh and cast my eyes upward, "it's so stupid. Spencer asked to stay over-calm down-" I interrupt myself as Kyla gives an excited squeal. "So I told her she could, but then Carmen conveniently didn't have her house key, so she's over here too. Oh, and did I tell you the best part?" I ask it rhetorically, but Kyla still shakes her head. "They're both in my bed."

Kyla walks over to me and puts a hand on my shoulder. She knows better than to hug me. It would only serve to break me down. "But you did get Spencer in your bed."

I laugh despite myself and pull Kyla into a hug. Full sister or not, I love her and am so thankful for her. "That's true. Maybe next year I'll even get around to being in the bed with her," I joke back, glad to be out of my sad mood.

---

I lie in Kyla's bed, listening to her loud snores as I stare up at the ceiling. A glance at my phone tells me I've been up for an hour since I first tried to go to sleep. Knowing I won't get any sleep with Kyla sawing lumber, I get up and head to the living room, hoping that the TV will put me to sleep.

I sigh at the lack of any good shows on at night. Deciding that MTV will have to do, I settle myself into the couch and snuggle further under the blanket. It can be so hot in the house, but for some reason the living room always manages to be about 60°. I'll never understand it, but I digress.

"Kyla snoring?" Spencer's voice interrupts me from my intense TV watching, causing me to jump slightly.

I look at the blonde and give her a smile. "I'm not even sure if that can even be classified as snoring. What about you? Carmen cutting some lumber over there?" I don't want to think about them in the same bed, but I figure it makes conversation. I don't know why I can't just let us fall into a comfortable silence.

Maybe because I feel like silences between us are no longer comfortable. It's like I feel as if in the silence she can somehow hear how fast my heart beats in her presence. And that in that moment, she'll know.

She shakes her head. "I just couldn't sleep. Mind if I join you?" she nods to couch.

"No, actually, nothing would piss me off more." I cross my arms defiantly.

Spencer laughs and rolls her eyes at me before moving the blanket and sitting next to me. I immediately feel my skin heat up and suddenly I don't feel the need to use the blanket to keep me warm.

"Good. I love making you angry. Now I can check it off my list," she retorts with a smile.

We sit in silence- a comfortable one much to my surprise- both of us distracted by the drama going on. I see Spencer shiver a little and look down at my blanket. "You going to share, blanket Nazi?" she asks as she reaches for the blanket but I pull it out of reach and stick my tongue out.

I laugh as she tries unsuccessfully to yank it out of my reach again. "Nope. You have to suffer, ice princess."

"You're going to let me die of hypothermia?" Spencer asks with a sad pout.

I swiftly grab her hand and look at her intensely. "Never. I'll never let go, Spence. I promise not to drop you into the subzero water and helplessly watch you sink to the bottom as I wait to be rescued," I say passionately, doing my best to ignore how soft her hand is and how good it feels in my own.

"Wow," Spencer says with a loud laugh, "you watched way too much Titanic. It can't have been healthy."

I throw my hands up as I shrug. That was the opportunity Spencer was waiting for. She swiftly grabs the blanket and drapes it over her, giving me a triumphant smile. "Hey you cheated!" I whine as I now try to tug it free.

"The point is I won. But I'm not against sharing. Some of us actually learned that in preschool."

"And some of us learned that stealing is wrong in third grade," I retort.

Spencer gets a smile on her face and I know she's already got a comeback ready. "Isn't that the same time when you learned how to read?"

I laugh and say, "No, you must be thinking of Carmen. Wait, that's insinuating that she can read." This time I have the triumphant smile on my face, and not just because I got to bash Carmen.

She rolls her eyes but her smile belays her annoyance. "I knew somehow her name would come up. I'm starting to get suspicious. I think you talk about her more than I do," she teases.

"You caught me. I mean I already got her in my bed, so now I have to find a way to distract you so I can make my way in there." I gag just from thinking about that. Ew gross!

"Well good luck waking her. She sleeps like the dead. Nothing wakes her up. Nothing," she reiterates firmly.

I put up a hand to stop her. "Ugh, ok Spence, don't give me any images." But it's too late. I'm already thinking of the ways she's tried to wake Carmen up. It's enough to cause me to shudder.

"See you are cold. I bet sharing the blanket is looking pretty good right now, huh?" She gives me a knowing look and then scoots right next to me so our sides our touching and puts part of the blanket on me.

"What can I say, talking about Carmen sends chills through me. And not the good ones," I say quickly as I see Spencer about to comment.

Spencer angles her body so she can turn her deep ocean eyes on me. "Well I know how much you don't like her, and I appreciate you letting her stay over. It really does mean a lot that you try with her." She gives me one of her breathtaking smiles and touches my knee underneath the blanket.

"Yeah I don't like her, but I know you do. And I don't want to keep getting in fights over Carmen, because honestly," I pause a moment as I quickly debate over what I want to say, "I don't think she's worth it."

"Ash," Spencer says quietly, her tone sounding tired.

I throw my hands up in a placating gesture. "I'm just saying Spence, you could do so much better. You're a great girl. You're smart, beautiful, and sometimes you can even be funny," I lightly joke, feeling as if I need to lighten the heavy moment I've created- also needing to stop myself from listing all the things I love about her.

She laughs at my comment about her humor, but it's not enough to cover the blush that has covered her cheeks and the strange look in her eyes. It's a look I can't identify, and it scares me.

"Carmen is perfectly fine," she says after a moment, but she isn't angry, she's just making a statement. "And she sees all those things in me."

"Does she?" I challenge, wondering why I'm so bold this night. Wondering why the darkness in the living room gives me so much more courage than any other time with Spencer.

She straightens up and looks at me with tired eyes. "Why are you pushing this Ash? What are you really trying to say?"

Seriously, what am I trying to say? "I really don't know," I confess softly. "Maybe I'm just finally speaking out."

"You think I'd be with some one who doesn't appreciate me? Do you really think I'm that desperate to be with some one that I would just settle?" Now her voice is slightly angry and offended, and I can already feel a barrier forming between us.

I sigh in frustration. Way to go dipshit. "That's not what I am saying at all."

This time Spencer sighs. "Ash, if it wasn't Carmen it would just be some one else. Besides, she's perfect. She's sweet and nice."

I give her a doubtful look and say, "You sound like you're describing a food dish, not your girlfriend." Spencer gives me a mean look but chooses not to comment. "Do you love her?" I whisper to the blanket. I don't want to look in her eyes and have my fear realized.

"Ash." She goes to shift away from me but I put a hand on her shoulder to stop her.

"Do you?" I whisper again, this time forcing myself to look into her eyes. She doesn't say anything, but her lack of response and downcast eyes tell me everything.

"Are you happy?" she finally asks after a moment.

"Honestly?" She nods and looks at me intensely. "Yeah, I am," I admit. Now I won't meet her eyes.

"You dislike Carmen that much," she says as more of a statement than a question. "And you're glad I'm not in love?"

This isn't going how I wanted. Not that I really had any expectations, but she is taking everything the wrong way. "No, it's not like that at all," I do my best to assure her.

"Then please explain to me how it is, because I can't even begin to understand Ashley Davies' logic." Ok, that was a little uncalled for, but I brush it off.

"It's just-" I sigh angrily at myself for my lack of words. "Of course I want you to be in love."

"But," she supplies slowly, regarding me for any other hints of where I'm going with this. Spencer gets my attention by nudging my side when she realizes I'm not going to answer. "But?" she gently prods.

But with me instead of anyone else. But I don't say that. I don't say anything. Instead I choose to stare down at my lap to collect my thoughts. Spencer turns my face to hers and our eyes meet. Her breath catches as she meets my eyes, and I just know that she's seeing something she hasn't seen before. Maybe something she's not quite ready to see.

"Ash," she breathes out quietly, maybe just to have something to say. I can't decipher if her tone is one of pity or something else. Her blue eyes search my face intently as if she might find more insight that way.

I stand up and give her the rest of the blanket. "I'm uh, I'm going to go to bed. I'm feeling pretty tired." I avoid her eyes. If I make contact, I won't be able to run and hide like I'm about to do.

"Ashley," she says a little louder, stopping me in my tracks despite my whole body telling me to just keep going.

I thought Spencer wasn't ready, but the reality is, I'm the one who isn't ready for this. The heartbreak I feel when she is with Carmen is nothing compared to how this will feel now that she knows.

"What is it Spencer?" I say with my back to the blonde, unable to keep the tiredness out of my voice. "I'm really tired." I try not to sound impatient.

She quietly scoffs, "You can't just walk away and leave."

I turn around and look at her. "So I should just sit down and pretend like I've been doing all along?" I throw out.

"I…I don't know," she sighs. "I just know you shouldn't walk away. I know I shouldn't let you walk away and let this get pushed aside."

Neither of us has come out and said the word love. I think once we do it makes it that much more real. Once we get past that point, we can't turn back.

"What do you want me to do, Spence?" I ask in a defeated voice as I walk back over to her on unfamiliar legs.

"I don't know," she says again.

"Well what do you know?" I ask as I sit down next to her again, making sure that I leave a friendly distance between us- not that it matters anymore.

Again her blue eyes find my brown ones, and I'm captivated by their beauty and slightly taken back as it appears that her eyes are getting closer. "Spence," I say uncertainly, "what…what are you doing?"

"I don't know," she repeats for the third time, and then she puts a soft hand to my face and cups it gently, making my eyes close briefly before they flutter open again so I can see her cerulean eyes.

She's definitely getting closer, and there's no doubt in my mind what's about to happen. And my mind is the only thing that's working, because it seems like everything else has stopped, even my breathing.

"What about Carmen?" I find myself blurting out, instantly hitting myself for my stupidity.

"Ash," she chastises me for ruining this. _Almost_ ruining it.

"Sorry," I say quickly, feeling suddenly very nervous as her face nears mine, as if I'd never kissed anyone before. But somehow I know this kiss will be unlike any others.

And it is.

Spencer's mouth gently touches mine, and I'm so overcome that for a moment, I can't do anything but take everything in. The way her soft, warm lips feel against mine, how sweet she smells, how her hands have settled around my neck to lightly play with the small hairs at the back of it.

Then my brain kicks in and it's saying '_Kiss her back you idiot!_'

So I do.

I press my mouth harder to hers and lean into her soft weight. I put my hands on her waist and remind myself to keep them on neutral zones. I let Spencer lead the kiss because I'm afraid that if I make any moves I'll get carried away. A year of loving some one and not being able to do anything about it really gets to you.

I'm sure I make some sort of muffled noise as she opens her mouth and her tongue meets my lips because it all feels so good. Part of me refuses to believe this isn't just one hell of a dream- that this is really happening.

I stop caring the moment her tongue rubs against mine, and this time- for sure- I know I softly moan. Spencer shifts and without breaking the kiss, she turns and straddles me on the couch and presses her weight into me.

My God, she's going to kill me! This is beyond my wildest imagination. Ok, maybe not that extreme, but damn is it good. Her hands are never ceasing as they trail up my sides to my face and back down. Mine are still at her waist, keeping her firmly pressed against me.

She tilts her head and the new angle feels like we're kissing again for the first time. Spencer moans her approval as my tongue once again seeks out hers and I lift my hips up against hers, desperate to have contact to ease the ache that is forming low in my body.

Finally, after what seems like hours and hours of kissing, she finally pulls away, leaving both of us breathing hard and my whole body alive and craving.

Now what do I say? '_Thanks for the kiss. Alright see you in the morning. Oh yeah, by the way, I love you_.' Yeah, that's obviously not an option.

Spencer wordlessly shifts off me and sits beside me again. I mimic her silence and stare straight ahead. I'm not going to be the one to speak first, not after she initiated the kiss. And I sure as hell am not going to ask what this means, even though I'm dying to know.

We both continue to stare at the TV, neither of us really watching it. We just need something to keep our eyes from looking at each other and ruining it by labeling ourselves.

So instead we choose to sit quietly and watch TV, each of us secretly enjoying the not so secret glances we steal, knowing that somehow words aren't need at this time. Tomorrow they will be, but tomorrow is not now. And for now I'm going to push everything aside but my feelings and enjoy this moment with Spencer.


	5. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own South of Nowhere or any of the characters affiliated with it. SoN is property of Tom Lynch and The N.**

**A/N:**_ You reviewers= Love_

_Seriously, you guys are such a huge inspiration, not to mention an extreme esteem booster! I'm glad you like this story; it makes me very proud to be the writer. Now this chapter is a little short and a little bittersweet, but hopefully you still like it. If not...well none of you know where I live, so I'm safe I hope :-P_

_And I want to apologize for this updating taking longer. I've been real busy with work, so I didn't have time to post this. I hope you like it._

_Reviews are greatly appreciated, as always. __:)_

_---_

_**Chapter 4  
**_

When people have a mutual agreement to not bring something up, I hardly believe it's ever mutual. I think that one person doesn't want to talk about it and the other person goes along with it, for lack of anything else to do.

I say this because I desperately want to scream, "_What the hell are we_?!" to Spencer and not care about the consequences. And yeah, it's easier to pretend like everything is normal, but it's killing me. I have pretended for too long now.

I thought her not knowing how I felt was bad, but I was wrong. Having her know and knowing that really nothing has changed is so much worse.

Now we-or at least I think it's both of us- constantly have these "moments" where we just lock eyes and zone out to everything else. Sometimes Carmen isn't there, but other times she is, and she will cough or say something, anything, to get our attention.

And speaking of Carmen, nothing has changed there. Spencer didn't break up with her, or tell her that she kissed me. Nope, she just went on like she hadn't just completely stolen my heart away again. She didn't act any less or more friendly than before, and damn did it drive me crazy!

And to make things even worse-oh yes, they do get worse- now every time I'm alone with Spencer I want to kiss her so much more, especially now that I know what it's like. I almost think I would have been better off simply dreaming about it but never actually knowing.

"So tell me again what happened?" Kyla interrupts my thoughts.

I sigh in frustration. "Kyla, I've told this freaking story to you about ten times."

"And?" she prods. "Now you can tell me eleven times. I want to hear it again."

I love her, I really do, but man can she grate on my last nerves sometimes. "Ugh, fine," I concede. "We watched TV, we talked, we kissed, then we didn't talk, then went to bed."

"Ass," Kyla mutters with a glare. "Way to give the caveman version. Ever try using complex sentences before?"

I shrug. "Why bother? It's just a way of using more words to say the same thing. So why waste precious breaths?"

"You're impossible sometimes." She shakes her head and rolls her eyes. "So you are sure Spencer knows?"

Don't strangle her, do not strangle her! "Yes Kyla," I sigh in exasperation, "she knows. It was written all over my face. If she didn't know, why would she be avoiding me like this and spending so much time with Carmen?"

"Ash, you know that's not true. You are the one doing the avoiding. You are," she explains at the doubtful look I send her way. "Spencer asks you to go hang out with her and you always have a reason not to. So get over it Ash. Stop using me and every other thing in the world as an excuse."

"So you want me to get my heart broken? Do you have any idea how I feel? Can you even begin to understand how much this kills me? She kissed me, Kyla. Spencer. Kissed. Me. And now she doesn't even want to talk about it, and you want me to get over it?" I demand angrily as I get up and pace around Kyla's room. Maybe so I don't suffocate her with a pillow.

"Ash," Kyla says pityingly as she gets up to stand where I am. She puts a soft hand on my shoulder. "I'm not telling you to ignore how you feel. But stop acting like this is the end. She kissed you, yes, but have you ever asked yourself why?"

"Every minute," I tell her. "Every damn minute Spencer is on my mind for some reason or another. And now this kiss is consuming me. It drives me fucking crazy that _she_ kissed me and then acts like nothing has changed when I feel as if my whole world has just completely changed."

Kyla doesn't say anything but she gives me a sympathetic look.

"And the fact that Spencer wants to go on like things aren't completely different…that just blows my mind as well." I start pacing back and forth. "It's like some fucking mind game that everyone around me is in on, but no one bothers to tell me how to play."

Kyla goes to respond but her phone ringing interrupts whatever she was going to say. "Hello? Yeah." She looks at me. "Uh huh. Sure hold on." Kyla passes me the phone and ignores my questioning look.

"Hello?" I say uncertainly, wondering who is calling Kyla and then asking for me.

_"Hey Ash," _Spencer's voice floats through the phone. My heart instantly beats erratically and I am glad that she can't hear it.

"Hey," I say plainly, simply because these days I'm never sure of what all to say to the blonde.

A few seconds of silence filter in after our greeting, and if I wasn't so eager to know why she called, I'd probably laugh at the awkwardness of it all.

_"Sooo,"_ she drawls out, searching for how best to word her next sentence. _"So I was wondering if you wanted to come out with us," _she finishes with apparent nervousness.

"Who is us?"

She pauses for a moment, and I know I have my answer. _"Carmen and me,"_ she finally admits with obvious hesitancy, even though she already knew I knew.

I sigh tiredly, "Spencer."

_"Please Ash? You said that the three of us could hang together, that I wasn't dumb for believing that."_

"Spencer," I say again. "I just…I'm not feeling well, ok? Maybe next time," I emptily promise.

This time she sighs tiredly. _"Sure Ash. Ok, well I guess I'll talk to you later?"_ I notice it's not a statement.

"Yeah, maybe tomorrow," I say, just because I feel obligated to at least make an obligatory promise. I hang up the phone with out saying bye and I drop to the couch.

"So now she is going through you?" I ask to Kyla, but as I look around, I notice my half-sister is nowhere in sight. "Kyla?"

"What?" she yells from somewhere in her bedroom.

"What are you doing?" I ask with interest over her sudden disappearance.

She comes into the living room in a dressy outfit. "Going out."

I roll my eyes. "Thank you Dr. Vague," I retort sarcastically. Seriously, what the hell is with people being cryptic?

"I'll be back later tonight. Enjoy doing," she looks around the living room then back at me, "whatever it is you do when I'm away."

I wordlessly hand her phone back to her and move to the chair as she leaves. I can't sit on the couch, not yet. It holds too many regrets and doubts and feelings.

I hear a knock on my door and I roll my eyes and mumble a curse about Kyla being so damn forgetful. I don't even know why she has a key, it's not like she ever uses it-or remembers to take it anywhere.

"What did you forget this-" I cut myself off as I see that the person in front of me is obviously not Kyla. "-time," I finish quietly as I regard Spencer standing in the doorway with an unreadable look in her blue eyes. "Hey," I utter just as quietly as before, cursing myself for being so uncertain and nervous.

"Hey," she responds in kind, giving me an expectant look.

"Oh yeah," I mentally slap myself for my rudeness. "Come on in," I offer as I hold the door wider and close it behind her.

"Thanks," she says softly and makes her way to the couch, hesitating a brief moment before finally sitting down. I maintain my avoidance of that particular piece of furniture and settle for the chair again.

"So," I say after a few moments of silence and avoided eye contact. '_What are you doing here_?' I want to scream out, but I don't.

"Well I…" she stops after her short words, and I'm convinced that she's questioning why she's here just as much as I am.

"So what are you doing here?" I finally convince myself to ask, even managing eye contact, though I make sure to quickly look away.

"I don't know," she shrugs and plays with a loose shoe string.

Those damn three words! I still hadn't forgotten how those uncertain words frustrated and freed me at the same time that fateful night. "It doesn't seem like you know much of anything lately." I don't say this meanly, I simply say in neutrally, letting the ball rest in her court.

"I know," she answers, and for some reason it causes a small smile to break out on my face. "So you're feeling better?"

A guilty look quickly appears on my face. "I've been better," I answer truthfully. We both know I'm not referring to my physical health.

"Look Ash, I-" but whatever she was going to say is cut off by her phone ringing. "Hey babe." I have to look down as I hear her say that. "Yeah I'm fine. No, I promise it's ok. Yeah, you don't need to come here. Right. Yeah, just seeing a friend." My eyebrows shoot up in interest. I chance a look at Spencer and see her guilt ridden face. "Ok, you too. Bye Carmen." She hangs up the phone and we sit in silence for a moment.

"So I'm currently anonymous?" I ask lightly, not wanting to create a heavy moment right now.

Spencer gives a short but genuine laugh. "You're not exactly at the top of Carmen's favorite person list."

Like I wanted to be. "Well good, it would suck if the feeling wasn't mutual."

She looks up for a long moment before looking at me. "You're a sore point between us."

"Me?" I ask with interest. "How am I a sore point? Did you tell her about-" I leave the question open ended because we both know what I'm referring to and because neither of us is at the point where we can vocalize what happened.

She shakes her head quickly. "Of course not!" She spots my hurt expression and sends me an apologetic look. "What exactly am I supposed to say to her?"

"Gee I don't know," I say bitterly, sarcasm dripping in my words, "how about the truth?"

"There isn't anything to tell," she says with a shrug.

Oh hell no! She doesn't get to do this. "Don't you dare act like nothing happened between us. We've spent the better part of a week not talking about it. You kissed me Spencer!" I remind her angrily, completely forgoing my plan to not mention it.

"I know that dammit. And you kissed me back," she turns back to me with accusing eyes.

I get up and pace in frustration. "So now it's my fault? God Spence, what did you expect me to do?"

"I don't know, ok? I don't know anything." She throws her hands up in defeat. "I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I pretend like it didn't happen. And dammit, I don't know why I want to do it again," she whispers this part, but my eyes questioningly meet hers, making sure I heard her correctly. She steps closer to me and I know she is going to kiss me.

And I want to kiss her. God do I want to kiss her so bad!

"Spencer," I say, slowly shaking my head as she gently cups my face, causing my eyes to close momentarily. "You can't keep doing this to me." I put my hands out to stop her from coming any closer.

She gives me a confused look and drops her hands. "What am I doing?"

"One minute you are sending me all these signals like you want more, and then the next you act like everything is completely normal. It's not normal Spencer. _This_ is not normal. You can't just kiss me and expect things not to change. It doesn't work like that. I don't work like that."

"I didn't mean for it to happen," she confesses shyly, her cerulean eyes locking with mine, "it just…did," she finishes flatly.

"I-I just don't understand. I mean you tell me you don't love Carmen, and…and then you kiss me, and then you go right back to Carmen. Why are you messing with me like this?" I quietly demand, running a frustrated hand through my hair.

"I'm not…I just…I never wanted to-"

I stare into her eyes as I lay down my ultimatum. "You can't have us both, not the way you want to. I can't be in your life if Carmen is. I've played second choice far too long."

"What…what exactly are you saying?" Spencer timidly asks. She puts a hand on my shoulder.

Say it, I order myself, silently begging for courage. "I'm saying that I can't be your friend. It's not enough for me, not anymore."

"I don't want to lose you," she says sadly. "Please don't make me choose."

I give her a sad smile. "I'm not making you choose Spence. You already have." I gently remove her hand from my shoulder before softly letting our hands drop.

"Ash I-" She looks so torn that, for a brief second, I want to call it all back, but I know that I can't. This really is for the best. "I just…I'm with Carmen," she says regretfully.

I nod once and do my best to offer her a sincere smile as I feel my heart weigh down with what I'm about to confess. "I love you Spencer." I hear her sharp intake of breath and I can see tears forming behind her beautiful eyes. "But it's all on you. I know it seems selfish, me laying this all on you like this, but after a year of feeling this way and never telling you, I think I'm entitled to a little selfishness." I can feel my own tears building up.

"God Ashley I…I don't…I just…you know?" she sputters out, and even though I can't exactly make out what she is saying, I can tell from her apologetic tone that she is basically saying sorry. Sorry she doesn't feel the same way. Sorry she's hurt me. Sorry she's going to walk away.

And she does.

She wipes the tears from her eyes and gives me a last lingering look before she finally leaves, this time leaving pieces of my heart behind.

I go to my room and lay on my bed, holding the fraction of broken pieces of my heart in my hand, and I wait. I wait for the moment when I can put them with the rest of my heart and make it whole again. I wait for the moment when Spencer comes to put my heart back together again with the pieces she still has.


	6. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own South of Nowhere or any of the characters affiliated with it. SoN is property of Tom Lynch and The N.**

**A/N:**_ I love all my reviewers. I'm quite the love-whore for you all :)  
_

_Sorry for how Spencer acted last chapter. But I just couldn't make it that easy. Poor Ashley needed some more drama. And you've all seen the show, you know Spencer can pretty stubborn with stuff-especially since she can full blown make out with Ashley and then suddenly push her away and not want her (hot/cold much?). Anyway, I promise Spencer does come around. Sometimes she just needs a little push.  
_

_Don't worry, you will be rewarded with some good stuff-eventually. I mean I did make this a pretty decent length chapter, all for my lovely reviewers. Happy Reading!  
_

_---_

_**Chapter 5  
**_

I know I did the right thing when I talked to Spencer. That, however, offers me no comfort. It's been a week since that day, and I miss her more than ever. I just want to go back and tell her I didn't mean any of it, that I don't love her and I can be her friend, that friendship is enough.

After all, I'd already gone about a year with my unrequited love. How bad would forever have been?

I outwardly scoff as I think this. I wouldn't have lasted much longer. I think about it, and I picture myself somehow just blurting out my love to Spencer, probably with some help from alcohol. So really, the way it happened was probably my preferred method. Or maybe just texting it to her. That would have gone over well.

Kyla has been getting on my last nerve. It's been a testament to my strong will that I haven't killed her yet and dumped her body in some random hobo's trash can.

She insists on asking for updates on the "S" situation (Kyla's lame way of using a code name). As if everyone can't figure out that it's about Spencer. I just do what I normally do whenever Kyla talks; ignore her and walk to another room.

Ah, speak of the devil. "So what's the DL on the S drama."

I remind myself to keep my hands at my side and not around her neck. Then who would I have to keep me company while my horrid mother is home?

"Kyla, if you don't fucking stop with your stupid little acronyms and abbreviations, LA is going to find you MIA," I seriously threaten my baby sister.

She looks at me for a moment, obviously deep in thought. "How can some one find me if I'm MIA?"

"Kyla, I swear!"

Kyla puts her hands up placating gesture, probably reading my violent thoughts. "Ok ok, sheesh, I'm sorry. But really, any updates?"

I close my eyes and take a deep, calming breath before turning back to Kyla. "No, Kyla. I promise I will tell you if and when something happens." There, that was nice and civil, I congratulate myself.

She nods and gives me a sly smile. "I have a feeling that you'll have something to report soon." She gets up and leaves after her cryptic statement, leaving me staring at her now vacated spot.

"What the hell, Kyla?" I mumble to the empty room. God she could be so weird sometimes. I don't see how we share DNA.

"Hey let's go out tonight!" Kyla randomly says as she once again wonders into my room. I swear she's got a horrible case of ADD.

Damnit, now she's got me using all these damn acronyms.

"Sure why not," I shrug. It's been a while since I've been out, and Kyla's always fun to go out with. Well, unless she drinks. Kyla is definitely an annoying drunk. Sister or not, I'm not taking care of her drunk ass.

She rushes up to me and hugs me excitedly. "Yay! Ok I'm going to get ready!" She leaves as suddenly as she came, and I laugh as she trips over a random shoe I have lying out. It hardly phases her as she quickly recovers and sprints back to her room.

I roll my eyes at my crazy sister and then walk to my closet to decide what to wear. Unlike the time I met up with Spencer to go to her house, it only takes me about two minutes to decide on an outfit. Funny how I can pick out a hot club outfit twice as fast as it took me to pick out sweats and a t-shirt to hang with Spencer. And even I couldn't do it, I had to have Kyla's "expert" help.

I glance at the clock and see that it's about eleven. Perfect time to go. It's late enough that most of the lame-asses that go there will be leaving, and still early enough to have all night left.

"Kyla get your ass out here or else you're going to walk," I call out carelessly as I sit down on the island chair.

"Well then I'll just hijack," she mutters as she enters the room.

"Hijack, huh? You probably shouldn't broadcast that to anyone you ride with. Unless of course you mean that actual word, which is hitch-hike," I meanly tease her. What, it's not my fault she can be stupid.

Kyla rolls her eyes to show her appreciation. "Back down, Mr. Green." She's referring to an old English teacher we were both lucky enough to have. There is no exaggeration when I say grammar Nazi. "Can we go now, or are you just going to stand there and collect dust?"

"Been waiting on you, princess." I point a key accusingly at her as I open the door and head to my car.

She pointedly ignores my comment and instead focuses her attention on her phone. She's been pretty attached to it for the past twenty minutes-ever since she got ready to leave.

"Who are you sexting?" I joke as I notice the little smile she's wearing.

Kyla looks up with a deer in the headlights look and quickly tries to mask her smile. "Just a friend from school," she says with a nonchalant shrug, or at least her attempt at one.

"Uh huh," I say unconvincingly. "And does this 'friend from school' happen to be a friend with a penis?"

Her face is filled with disgust. "Honestly Ashley, can you not act like a perverted thirteen year old boy for a few moments?"

"But where is the fun in that? And that's the anatomical term, may I remind you."

"Ugh, whatever," she sighs. "Could you drive any slower?" she whines.

"Could you bitch any more?" I throw back, but I speed up anyway. It effectively silences her until we arrive at the club, where Kyla whispers "finally!" and quickly gets out of the car.

I speed up my pace to catch her. "Damn Kyla, wait up! I'm sure they won't run out of space any time soon," I finish as I finally manage to reach her after practically running full speed. As I said before, I am most definitely not a runner.

She looks at my bent over figure and gives me an apologetic look. "Sorry, I just heard one of my favorite songs." She then grabs my hand and quickly tugs me inside.

"Drink," is all I say, but Kyla understand my simple word and she proceeds to take me to the bar. I order a shot of vodka, cringing as I down it in one swift gulp.

"Getting started early?" Kyla teases. She reaches over to her shot of Tequila, but I quickly intervene, keen on keeping my plan to not let my sister drink. "Hey!" she exclaims angrily.

"You, my dearest sister, get to be the DD, so no drinks for you." I tap her nose and smile, knowing she hates when I do that.

She sighs heavily, "Whatever. But I have a feeling you'll want to be sober for the night."

That damn crypticness again! "Kyla, can you stop being so sneaky and just come out and say whatever it is you know." I roll my eyes.

Kyla gives an innocent shrug and says, "I don't know what you mean. Let's go sit down for a few minutes till a good song comes on. Or till I see a hot guy," she adds thoughtfully.

Kyla's obsession with hot guys is equal to my obsession with hot girls. Well as equal as my obsession used to be. It toned down a lot once I started having feelings for Spencer.

Tonight though, I think it might be back full swing-I'm in need of a little TLC.

God, those effing acronyms again! I swear I am going to kill Kyla for getting me stuck in this mode.

I see my victim staring intently at the dance floor, most likely scoping out potential dance partners. Kyla isn't really into the whole one night stands like I was. I tried to tell her all the benefits, but she always scrunched her face in disgust and plugged her ears. Now I do it just because she looks so funny like that.

"Let's dance!" she orders as she pulls me-very reluctantly- to the dance floor. I don't want to dance yet. I want to get my drink on!

It's too late now though, as Kyla has successfully dragged me to the floor, expertly weaving us in and out of people. "I don't even know what this song is," I yell to her over the obnoxiously loud music. I think more alcohol would definitely help make me more rap savvy.

"Who cares? It's got a beat, so dance!" she orders as she starts doing what she likes to call "dancing." I say it looks more like forcefully thrusting her hips and occasionally throwing some awkward arm motions in. It doesn't keep me from laughing at her though.

"Hey Kyla what's- oh, hey Ashley," I hear some one say, and I say a quick prayer that it's not who I think it is, even though I'm damn sure of who it is.

"Oh hey Carmen," Kyla says with a wide smile, her eyes quickly flashing to me before returning to Carmen.

Realization suddenly hits me like a pound of bricks, and I give Kyla my best glare, mouthing that I hate her. "Hey," I offer.

"Spencer's getting some drinks, you want me to get her?" Carmen offers, much to my surprise. Who knew they actually taught manners on a farm.

Kyla's grin gets even wider. "Sure, that would be-"

"No that's fine. We don't want to interrupt," I say quickly, not wanting to deal with Spencer, especially not with Kyla and Carmen both here. "You guys enjoy your night."

"Ashley!" Kyla complains as I start dragging her away from stupid Carmen. "Would you stop!" she angrily demands. "Dammit Ashley, fucking stop!!!" she yells, effectively catching my-and most of the bars'-attention.

"What?" I turn around angrily. "I can't believe you would do this to me."

She pulls her arm out of my grasp. "Would you just wait for a moment and stop assuming?" Once she sees she has my undivided attention, she continues. "I didn't know that they were going to be here." I scoff and roll my eyes. "I didn't!"

"That's who you were texting, isn't it?" I ask quietly. I don't particularly feel like including the club in my drama.

Kyla ashamedly hangs her head. "I just asked what she was doing and she mentioned going to a club. That's all," she holds up her hands defensively. "She didn't know we made plans to come, and I wasn't for sure if she was going to be here or not."

"It doesn't even matter," I mutter dismissively. I walk away from Kyla and head over to the bar. I really-REALLY- need some alcohol right now. "Give me a double shot!"

"Of?" the bartender asks.

"Anything. Make it burn." I take my shot glass in down it in a single gulp, making a disgusted face as the mystery drink boils down my esophagus, probably melting part of my throat. "Another!" I demand, greedily throwing back another shot of the battery acid tasting liquid.

"Whoa cowgirl, you might want to hold back." I look and see a hot redhead sitting beside me, wearing a sexy smile.

I focus on the hazed vision before me. "Ginger," I breathe out.

"So you remembered. I figured since you obviously forgot my phone number, everything else was forgotten too," she teases with an easy smile. "Although with the way you are drinking tonight, I can understand why."

"Ashley Davies never forgets a pretty face. A name maybe, but never a face." I lean closer to her, already feeling the alcohol take me over.

Ginger puts a warm hand on my thigh. "Maybe I should give you something you'll never forget." Her eyebrows raise suggestively, and I know what she's happily offering, what I'm happily going to accept.

She's leading me to the bathroom, and I eagerly let her pull me that way. Rational thought has long been replaced by pent up desire and frustration for a certain blonde who is going to remain nameless.

"Kyla."

Ginger gives a husky laugh. "You're more drunk than I thought."

"No," I shake my head, "my sister is Kyla."

"Well that's not usually my thing, but you want her to join us?" She gives a hopeful look out the bathroom door.

"Ugh no," I groan in disgust. "She's giving me a ride home."

"I think you should just focus on the ride that I'm going to give you," she purrs. Her lips bump my ear and I shiver in delight. I'm hers and she knows it.

Her full lips meet mine, and there is nothing sweet or gentle about the kiss. It's not passionate or loving. It's all lust and desire and want piled into one.

She traces my jaw with lots of kisses, pausing every now and then to bite with her sharp teeth before gently soothing it with her hot tongue. Then she moves her lips back to mine and I open my mouth to her and moan as her tongue sweeps in.

I can do this. This isn't about being timid or scared. This is simply knowing what you want and actually being able to have it. That's one thing I know Spencer can't give me.

I instantly hate myself for even thinking of her in this moment. I hate that I'm starting to feel guilty when there is no reason for me to. She's made it clear that we're not together. She's made her choice clear. And dammit, but she doesn't deserve to be on my mind all the time. Can I not get a break?

Ginger must have sensed that something was up, because she goes into overdrive with her seduction. She moves her lips down my jaw to my neck, sucking my pulse point and making me delightfully arch into her soft body.

I can do this.

I move my hands to Ginger's hips and pull her on top of me, fully intent on completely letting go and showing Ginger how little she knows in comparison to me. She moans at the contact of our bodies connecting, and I relish the sound of her total abandon.

"A-ashley?" I hear a timid voice say. Spencer!

I instantly push Ginger off and stare into the blue eyes that I love so much. But this time I don't feel love. I feel hate. Hate for her having so much control over me. Hate for me doing this to her. Hate for feeling so damn guilty when I shouldn't at all.

And I can't do this.

"I can't do this," I say out loud, though I don't know who I am speaking to. I can't look at either of them right now. I don't want to think about what their looks possibly mean.

Ginger walks over to me and lifts my chin up, meeting my brown eyes with her sexy emerald ones. "She's a dumbass." There is no doubt who she is referring to.

"Hey!?" Spencer says in annoyance. "Who the hell do you think you are?"

She gives Spencer a challenging look. "Some one who cares about her. Can you say the same?"

"Of course," she answers quickly.

Ginger gives me a light peck on the cheek and then walks to the door way before stopping and looking at Spencer. "Then start proving it." And then she is gone.

"What the hell is up with her? She doesn't know anything about us," Spencer rants angrily. All I can focus on is the hurt that courses through me as she says 'us.' There is no us.

I offer nothing but a shrug. I need to get away as soon as possible. If only I could just balance.

Spencer is by my side in a minute, putting a hand underneath my arm to help steady me. "Here, let me help you."

I stubbornly shrug off her arm and lean into the wall heavily, thankful that it was close enough to catch me. At least I know I have _that_ to fall back on. "I'm fine. Thanks," I add shortly.

Spencer throws her arm up in innocence but doesn't leave my side. "Are you going to be ok getting home?" she asks with concern. At one time it would have made me smile. Now though? Now it only makes me lash out angrily.

I push myself off the wall and stare at her intently. "Why do you care?"

She scoffs and glares at me. "You know I care about you, Ashley."

"Oh yeah, you made that very clear," I retort sarcastically.

"I do care!" she says firmly. "I care that you are drunk off your ass. I care that you can't even walk without falling over. I care that you are just throwing yourself on some random girl."

I can feel myself quickly sobering up. Anger has a way of doing that to me. "No! You don't get to care about that. You gave that right up the day that you walked away from me."

"What did you expect me to do? You gave me a fucking ultimatum!" Spencer haughtily reminds me. "Choose between my best friend and my girlfriend."

"Who you don't even think you love! It shouldn't have even been an issue. You shouldn't have to think about love, you should just know."

"Oh I'm sorry, you're right. It should be as easy for me as it is for you," she throws back. Neither of us are being rational, but we are beyond caring. Fuck being polite and nice, bitchiness is in full swing right now.

I give her an incredulous look, but when I respond, my voice is strangely quiet. "Is that what you think? You think that it has been easy for me, knowing that I love you?"

She knows it's a rhetorical question, so she crosses her arms and gives me a look prodding me to go on.

"Falling in love with you has been the most miserable thing ever," I admit softly. I see her hurt, questioning look but I don't acknowledge it. "Every day I spent with you was bittersweet; I got to be close to you, and I cherished every moment with you. But every night I'd go to sleep feeling empty and alone. Every night I was reminded that you didn't feel the same. That you weren't mine."

Spencer opens her mouth to say something but I hold up a hand to stop her. I need to get this out.

"I analyzed every touch you gave me, every word you spoke. I constantly worried that anything I did would somehow let you know how I felt. My time with you was spent in constant fear."

I wipe traitorous tears from my eyes before continuing. "Fear that I would say the wrong thing. Fear that I would get too lost in your innocent touches. Fear that I would give in and kiss you. Fear that I would lose you. Fear that you would know how I felt." I shrug helplessly, "Fear that you would never know how I felt."

Spencer stares at me for a long moment, taking in everything that I have told her. "That does sound miserable," she finally says, and despite the heaviness of the moment, I can't help but laugh.

I sober quickly and regard the blonde before me. Again we are at the point of '_now what?_'

"Now what?" Spencer echoes my thoughts, causing a quick smile to form on my face.

"Well mind reader," I smile again, "now we get out of this disgusting bathroom."

It's like the past ten minutes didn't happen. Like I didn't just have another heartfelt talk with Spencer about my feelings. Like I wasn't in love with some one I couldn't have.

Spencer grabs my hand and pulls me out of the restroom and back to the noisy club. I feel my heart skip and the familiar tingles creep through me.

Spencer looks at my tormented face and quickly lets go of my hand. "Sorry," she mumbles quietly with embarrassment.

"Spence." I grab her hand and turn her towards me. "It's ok, I promise. I'm not an emotionally disturbed crazy person, so stop treating me like one, ok?" I squeeze her hand briefly before releasing it.

She nods and gives me an unsure smile. "Ok," she softly agrees.

I don't know how we end up outside walking, but some how we do. I hope Kyla isn't waiting on me. I'd feel really bad if she spent all night looking for me. Oh well though. I'm with Spencer, so Kyla is getting pushed down on my priorities list.

Aren't I a great sister?

"So," Spencer throws out as she tries to get comfortable on the rock she's sitting on.

"So?" I echo, taking a seat beside her.

Spencer shifts, but I can tell by her posture that it has nothing to do with the rock. "So can I ask you something?" She's obviously nervous.

"That depends," I say back, going through all the potential questions that she could possibly ask. I want to prepare myself.

"Well it's just…I guess what I am wondering is…see I am trying to-"

"Spencer," I gently interrupt.

"Yeah?"

"I can't answer anything when you don't ask a question," I smile playfully.

She ducks her head and smiles sheepishly. "I just want to know when you realized that you…" she drops off.

"Loved you?" I supply.

"Yeah," she says again, once more ducking her head.

"Hmm," I say thoughtfully as I try to recall. "It's kind of hard to pinpoint exactly. I could tell I felt something, but back then I was in full denial stage. It almost felt like I was coming out again because I was constantly second guessing myself and telling myself it wasn't possible. But as far as a specific moment…" I pause in thought once again. "Probably my twentieth birthday."

Spencer looks at me with a smile, and I know she's slipping into the memory as well.

_"Happy Birthday Ashley," my mom said with a sigh, as if it took all of her energy to say those three words. I knew that any other three words would be impossible to hear, even as her last words._

_I cringed as I smelled the wine on her breath. I looked at the clock and saw 10:00 AM. Damn, she started early today. "Thanks Mom." I try not to sound too ungrateful._

_"Here's three hundred dollars. Go buy yourself something nice." She says this without looking at me and then walks out the door, leaving the impersonal gift on the table where she sat. No card, no hug, nothing. I wasn't surprised._

_"Happy Birthday Ashley," I mocked my mom as I made myself breakfast._

_"Aren't I supposed to say that?" Spencer's cheery voice floated in, instantly bringing a smile to my face and my heart to my throat._

_"I believe you did say it. At midnight!" I grumpily reminded her, but she knew I wasn't really mad. I loved our birthday ritual of calling at 11:59 so that we would be awake at midnight. "And sang obnoxiously," I threw in, even though I thought it was really sweet. Needless to say I fell asleep with a smile on my face._

_She waved it off and pulled me over to her in a tight hug. "And I'll sing it again tonight!" she promised. I inwardly sighed at the contact. I could get used to her hugs._

_"Can't wait," I muttered sarcastically, smiling as Spencer hit me._

_"Sooooo," she sang out, "any particular plans for today?"_

_"Anything that includes not being around Christine."_

_"Done and done," she smiled. "I've got it all planned anyway. Now sit down so I can make you breakfast."_

_I got a terrified look on my face as I remembered her last attempt to cook. "You know, Crackle Barrel is perfectly acceptable."_

_"Oh hush," she chastised, knowing why I was suggesting the restaurant. "Now sit!" she ordered again._

_"Fine," I huffed childishly, knowing the blonde had me so whipped._

_I made myself eat her soupy eggs and her charcoaled bacon. I even threw in some "mmm" noises for extra emphasis. I ate all of the food to ensure that she wouldn't get the chance to taste how bad the food sucked. My feelings for Spencer had me doing a lot of things I didn't want to._

_"Stop complaining Ashley," Spencer ordered annoyed._

_"It's my birthday," I remind her with a huge grin._

_"So let me do this for you. Now stop trying to feel around. Just hold my hand so I can take you there." She took my hand again and we went out a door and suddenly I was put in a car._

_I rode in darkness, thanks to the stupid blindfold Spencer insisted on me wearing. I didn't want to know why she had a blindfold._

_"Ok we're here!" Spencer said happily after about five minutes of driving._

_"Where exactly is here?" I asked, tightening my grip on Spencer's hand as I tripped over something unknown, causing the evil blonde to laugh._

_"Let me lead you," she breathed out through what I imagined to be gritted teeth. _

_She led us up a flight of stairs, but not before making us fall. She breathed out an amused apology before pulling me back up and continuing to our unknown destination. I obediently followed, willing to go anywhere the beautiful girl was leading me._

_"Ok we're here." She reached around me to untie the blindfold, and I felt my breath catch at her nearness._

_I opened my eyes and found her face right in front of mine. Oh shit. Oh holy fucking shit!_

_"You like?" she asked excitedly, obviously-thankfully-unaware of my internal musings. _

_I stared into her blue eyes. Yeah, I definitely liked! _

_I finally took note of my surroundings and stared at Spencer incredulously. "You brought me to my own house," I said slowly._

_She looked unsure. "Well I just thought instead of going out like we do every year, we could, you know, do something different, like stay in?" Her voice dropped quickly and she looked embarrassed. "We can go out if you want."_

_Way to go, genius. Making her upset is always the way to treat the girl you have a huge crush on. "No I was just surprised. That's all," I reassured her with a smile. "Thanks," I said sincerely, pulling her into another hug._

_I felt her smile into the hug and tighten her grip around me. "Save your thanks till later. Now it's present time!" She released me and handed a neatly wrapped gift._

_I shook it excitedly, curious when I didn't hear any rattling of any sort. I hurriedly tore open the gift and froze in shock. "Spencer. Oh my God Spence," I breathed out in quiet amazement. "How did you? I mean I just don't see how-"_

_"Well I had to call a few people, but when I told them what it was for, the seemed pretty eager to go along with it," she shrugged, but I could tell she was pleased that I liked, no LOVED, her gift._

_I held the photo album close to my heart. I opened it again and flipped through the pictures of my father, running my hands across his handsome face that was captured on the film. I gave a bittersweet chuckle as I passed by pictures I had never seen before; pictures of my dad with me when I was a baby._

_"Spence this is…I mean this gift is…" I stared at her intently, hoping my eyes conveyed my appreciation when my words failed me. "Thank you," I brokenly whispered before I was once again enveloped in her secure arms, breathing in her fruity smell._

_"My dad always says that our loved ones are never lost, because that means that we've let them go. Loved ones never truly leave us, they're always in our heart. And now you can have him wherever you go. This can't replace him, but at least you have another piece of him to help make you whole again. To make your heart full again" Spencer gave me a sweet, reassuring smile and gently rubbed my arm in a soothing gesture._

_And in that moment, I realized that I didn't need that photo album to make my heart full. The girl beside me had more than enough to fill any missing pieces I might have had. She had my trust, my secrets, my memories. My love._

"The album I gave you?" she asks.

"Yeah," I nod, "But it wasn't even about that. It had little to do with the gift, and everything to do with you. I thought about how my own mother hardly acknowledged me on my on birthday, yet my best friend went out of her way to give me the best gift ever and to be there for me." I smile as I remember all she's done for me. "Don't you see, Spencer?"

She turns to me curiously and whispers, "See what?"

"It's always been you. You've always been there as a friend. You somehow managed to completely change my life and make me into someone I'm proud of." I smile fondly and then turn to her with serious eyes. "Carmen is so lucky that she gets that and more from you, because Spence-" she turns her head back to me and I once again find myself lost in her eyes. "You're not just my best friend."

I take a breath to collect myself and to muster up as much emotion as I can. I want her to understand just how much I love her. "You're my forever." I put a hand on her warm skin, desperate to have any contact with her. "And I can say that with complete certainty. I've doubted a lot of things in my life; myself, my dad, my mom, but never you. Not once!" I firmly tell her, giving her arm a squeeze in emphasis.

Her blue eyes widen slightly and begin to tear up. She opens her mouth, only to close it right back up and look up at the sky as if it's going to provide her with lost words.

I gently caress her face before returning my arm back to my side. "I'm not telling you this to upset you or guilt you or anything of the sort. I just…" I give her small smile. "I just want you to know how much I really do love you, and how sorry I am that I'm laying this all on you. It's really not fair."

"No it's not fair," she agrees. "But you don't have to say sorry."

"Well I just felt-" I cut myself off as I see the strange look on Spencer's face.

She shakes her head as if clearing out her thoughts. "You shouldn't be apologizing. I should apologize."

"You?" I say with obvious confusion. "Why you? It's not your fault that I fell in love with you. I mean you didn't do anything, it just happened. Well I guess you did do something, but not bad. That's why I fell for you, you know, because of the person you are and-" I cut myself off, this time as I realize I am rambling.

"I'm sorry," she says, as if I hadn't spent a whole two minutes spouting off random shit.

I cock an eyebrow and shake my head. "I still don't-"

She looks up at the sky again, but when she faces me she's wearing a secret smile, and I'm pretty sure she got whatever answer she was looking for.

"I'm sorry," she says again, this time as a whisper, and then she cups my face and kisses me.


	7. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own South of Nowhere or any of the characters affiliated with it. SoN is property of Tom Lynch and The N.**

**A/N:**_ Glad to see many of you liked that chapter. I liked writing it. I always have fun having Spencer make the move because I felt like in the show Ashley made most of the moves, but then again, it makes sense seeing as how Spencer was unsure at first. Anyway, I want to thank all of you for your lovely reviews!!!_

_To_** nitedreamer**: _So it wouldn't let me respond in a message so I figured I'd address it through the chapter. I wasn't trying to make it seem like Ashley didn't deserve it, because she treated Spencer like...well shit, to be frank. I'm just saying I know Spencer can get caught up and then realize what she's done and quickly change her mind. I wasn't trying to make it seem like that was horribly wrong of her, because I fully understand how easy it was for her to fall back in with Ashley, considering she still loved her. I was just saying that Spencer can be emotional (as all of us can) and that, just like Ashley can be, Spencer can do the come here go away treatment too. But I do appreciate your review :) Hopefully this clears things up for you and explains my reasoning._

_To _**jono14**: _Wow, so I had no idea it was so confusing to you, but I apologize. Carmen is still there, but she's still inside, while Ashley and Spencer are outside. Same with Kyla, she's still inside too. They haven't disappeared off the face of the earth, they are just not with Ashley and Spencer outside. I hope that clears things off. Again, I am sorry if my story confuses you. It was never my intention, and I didn't know it was unclear. Anyway, hopefully that explains it to you._

_---_

_**Chapter 6  
**_

_"I'm sorry," she says again, this time as a whisper, and then she cups my face and kisses me._

My first thought is, '_she's kissing me_.'

My second one? '_She's kissing me!_'

My next thought? '_Fucking hell, she is kissing me!!!_'

I never claimed to be the most thoughtful person, but Spencer has always had a way of making me completely incompetent.

Thankfully my last thought-before I give up thinking entirely- is me slapping myself and telling me to '_kiss her back, dumbass!_'

I personally like that one best.

And so I kiss her back. And this is so much better than the first one, because I know Spencer can feel the love pour out from me. It's as if every touch of our tongues is a wire of communication, transmitting little Morse-code love messages.

Every light squeeze from my hands on her body tells her I could never leave her. Every breath of shared air tells her I could never breathe without her. Every moan tells her I _won't_ breathe without her.

Her lips whisper broken promises against mine, and all I can do is push my lips against hers and swallow all those beautiful words.

"Ash," she softly moans, and the restraint I have been so set on maintaining is crumbling fast from her husky voice.

I shift and push her softly into the fence, positioning myself in between her legs, but still never breaking this kiss.

Spencer's lips leave mine, and my lips immediately feel cold, but as her lips now move to my neck, my body feels anything but cold.

Instead it's on fire, inside and out. My blood is pumping swiftly, and I can feel my breathing get more ragged as she traces the curve of my neck with her tongue.

"God Spence," I breathe out helplessly, barely able to be coherent with the wonderfully wicked things she's doing to my neck.

My hands instinctively move to her hair to hold her in place, but soon they pull her head up to mine so that my lonely lips can once again feel hers.

My body presses harder into hers, and we both moan at the wonderful friction we're creating, causing us to arch into each other as our kiss gets hotter.

Hands and tongues become more adventurous, seeking out new areas to explore. Moans and gasps become more frequent as those new areas are explored. Reality becomes more blurred as I give everything to Spencer, just as I've done before and will always do.

Spencer moves a brave hand to my thigh and slowly inches higher, leaving trails of fire in its wake as small moans escape surprised lips.

We're moving on auto-pilot, letting our feelings control this ride.

And that's when it hits me. _Our_ feelings.

Spencer knows how I feel. Hell, I'm sure most of LA does by now. But the key to this whole thing is, I have no idea how she feels.

Obviously she likes me enough to kiss me, but I've kissed plenty of people I didn't have feelings for. So how does she feel?

I regretfully break away from the kiss, my lips already missing hers, still tingling as they remember her lovely mouth.

"Spencer," I say heavily as I try to regain normal breathing.

"Yeah?" she answers just as breathlessly.

Ok, so now what do I say? "Uh…" I look down at my shoes intently.

Yeah there we go, that's definitely a great way to spark conversation.

We sit in silence, much like the first time we kissed, but unlike that time, I'm not content to sit in silence this time.

"Spence what just happened was…big," I finally finish, even though the words I really want to say are along the lines of '_fucking amazing!'_

"Yeah," she breathes out. "Look Ash, I'm sorr-"

"Spencer I swear, if you even try to say sorry, I promise I'll never ever speak to you again," I threaten harshly. It's mean, but I can't go through that again. I _won't_ go through that again.

She opens her mouth and closes her mouth in rapid succession before slowly opening it again. "Well see it's just that…"

"Whatever you are going to say, just stop," I say softly. "I can't do it again Spencer."

She looks at me curiously. "Do what?"

"Put my heart back together. I finally got all the pieces from last time all together, and it's still fragile. So please, whatever you're going to say, just don't shatter it anymore," I beg with pleading eyes. "I won't be able to handle another heartbreak."

"Ash, I just want-"

I'm way ahead of her. I can practically read her mind. "I told you I can't just be friends with you. It's not enough. And maybe it's stupid of me to give that up, but I'd rather give you everything and end with nothing, then to have never had anything at all."

"God Ashley, I swear!" she sighs loudly, grabbing her hair in frustration.

"What?" I'm taken aback by her anger. "What did I do?"

"First of all," she puts a finger in my face, "stop fucking interrupting me. Second of all," she puts another finger up, "stop fucking assuming! And third of all," she pauses and looks at me intently. "Stop fucking talking," she says softly with a smile, completely catching me off guard.

Ok, maybe I didn't read her mind. What. In. The. Hell?! What is going on?

"Spence? What is going on?" I demand in confusion.

She presses a light kiss to my forehead, effectively silencing me. "It's my turn to talk, ok?" All I can do is nod with a dumbfound look on my face. "Good," she smiles gently, her tone making me feel like a little kid

"You know," she says in a thoughtful voice, "I kind of like this silence game." She gives me a little smirk at the mock glare I send her. "So here are the rules; do not interrupt me unless I say you can." She looks to make sure I understand. "Also, don't even bother giving me an ultimatum, ok?" Again all I can do is nod. "And as I said before, would you just stop assuming?" Her voice is light, but I know she's serious.

I go to mouth '_I'm sorry_' but the look Spencer gives me quickly stops me from saying anything. Instead I nod. I'll be surprised if my head doesn't hurt later on from all my nodding.

Spencer takes a long breath before saying, "I'm going to be up front with you."

About damn time!

"I like Carmen a lot. I really do," she says softly, holding my chin up to make me look at her as I try to turn my head so I won't see her stunning blue eyes. "And what I have with her really is something good. It's wonderful, it's easy. But most of all," she make sure our eyes are locked when she says this, "it's safe."

"Safe?" I whisper before I quickly clamp a hand over my mouth, giving her an apologetic look. Spencer just smiles at me and rolls her eyes.

When she looks back at me her expression is serious again. "Yeah, it was safe. I had some one I could be with, and there was no mystery. I knew how she felt because she told me." She gives me a significant look here, and I shift guiltily. "When she wanted to kiss me, she did. When she wanted to grab my hand, she did. It really was the perfect relationship." Spencer says this quietly, and from the look in her eyes and her tone, I can tell she's somewhere far off from here.

I sense a '_but_' coming on, but I patiently-and anxiously-wait for Spencer to continue.

She has a small, humorless smile on her face. "But that was the thing. It was perfect. We never fought. Any time something got a little heated, one of us would always back down. I knew that nothing would break us apart, because really, who would want to leave something so wonderful?" She asks it rhetorically, but even if she hadn't threatened me to be quiet, I still wouldn't have answered. I'm too interested to see where this is going.

My eyes soften as I take in Spencer's small smile. Her mouth is quirked slightly, but her eyes show no traces of laughter. Instead they are filled with a regretful-like look.

Spencer turns to me, maybe to know she has my full, undivided attention. Or maybe she needs to see me as much as I need to see her. "With something like that, how can you not fall in love? And that's what got me, you know? It was so perfect-and yet- I wasn't in love. I wanted mystery and little fights. I wanted to not be too sure that Carmen wanted to kiss me. I wanted to find out once she leaned in. I wanted her eyes to tell me things her mouth wasn't ready to confess."

She looks up to the sky again, and it's times like this that make me wonder if maybe her and God are having a conversation of there own. She looks up there often enough for it to be plausible. I just hope she's putting in a good word for me and that the big man is talking me up on my behalf.

"Really, when it comes down to it I just-"

I lean closer to her in anticipation. I can tell this is going to be huge. I get even more anxious at the big sigh Spencer gives. Yep, this is going to be big!

Spencer looks back at me and gives me a soft smile and shakes her head with a light laugh. "I just wanted her to be you."

I hope that when my eyes widened, I looked good. I hope that when my hands got clammy, I played it off. I hope that when my breath caught, I managed to breathe again.

Now I'm not so sure though, because I cannot form any words, my hands still feel clammy and now are shaking, and my eyes still feel as if they are about to jump out of socket.

"With you there was all this mystery. And even though sometimes it drove me insane not knowing what you were thinking or how you felt…I loved it! Because your eyes were telling me things your mouth wouldn't. They told me that you loved me playing with your hair. They told me that you hated Carmen so much, and yet you still put up with her." Her mouth turns up in a small grin as she puts a warm hand on me knee.

My knee tingles deliciously, and all I want to do is kiss her. "Do you know what they are telling me now?" she asks softly, her ocean eyes never leaving mine.

I keep my voice just as soft. "That I really, really want to kiss you." My eyes regretfully drop her eyes, but regret turns to desire as they fall to her full lips.

Her smile widens even more and her hand begins softly stroking me knee, making it harder and harder to remind myself of all the reasons why I shouldn't kiss her.

"Yeah," she nods, "that you really, really want to kiss me. But-" she supplies for me and gives me a chance to fill in the blank.

"Carmen."

She nods again. "Carmen," she echoes.

"Spence can you-" I speak hesitantly. "Can you, uh, can you move your hand?"

"Sorry," she breathes as she quickly moves her hand.

I offer her a reassuring smile. "It's just…well it's really hard to think when you're touching me," I confess with a shy smile, staring down at my feet.

"Oh," she says in realization. "Sorry."

I bite back a smile at how cute she is. "It's ok."

"Spencer?" I hear Carmen call to the outside. Oh joy, just my luck.

"Over here," Spencer yells as she turns to wave Carmen over. "What's up?" she asks.

"Well I was going to leave, and wanted to know if you were ok with that?" She shifts from foot to foot.

I sigh. I knew I should have kissed Spencer when I had the chance. I should have known Carmen would somehow interrupt us. She had that…gift.

"Yeah that's fine," she smiles.

I just want to ask her what this all means. She just poured out her heart to me, and now she goes right back to Carmen?

"Ok, well I'll see you later Spencer," I say as neutrally as I can. As if my heart isn't dropping rapidly to the ground.

"Where are you going?" she asks in confusion. Carmen looks at me much in the same way.

I return their confused look with one of my own. "Uh, nowhere. You are leaving, aren't you?"

Spencer shakes her head vigorously. "No. Not unless you want me to." She gives me a questioning look.

"No!" I say firmly. "I mean, no," I utter much softer. "I just thought you were going with Carmen."

"You don't think that would be awkward?" Carmen asks with a "duh" voice.

If I wasn't so confused, I'd probably hit her. "Why would it be?"

As soon as one of them goes to answer, a pretty blonde steps out of the club and looks around in confusion. We all stop and stare for a moment at the interesting girl.

"Carmen?" the girl says to the night as she walks away from the door some.

Whoa whoa whoa! What? "What?!?" I shake my head in confusion.

"I'm coming!" she yells back and then turns to Spencer and me. "You ok to get a ride home?" Her tone is caring but her eyes do not linger long on Spencer's.

"Yeah," she smiles and looks at me, "more than ok."

I feel myself blush and I refuse to look at either of them.

"Take care of her Ashley," Carmen says with a slight warning, giving me an intense stare.

"Sheesh she'll be fine! I'm already sobering up and Kyla is DD so it's not like I would be the one driving."

Do they really think I'm that stupid? Yeah, they probably do- well at least Carmen.

Carmen looks at me intently and her lips quirk in a small smile as if she knows a secret I don't. I really do hate that look. "Yeah, she will be fine," she says softly, her eyes searching mine. And then she turns and walks over to the blonde, leaving me to pick my jaw up the ground.

"Uh, am I the only one who saw Carmen walk away with that blonde chick?"

Spencer laughs lightly. "No Ash, you weren't."

"Oook," I draw out, "so you saw it too. And that's ok with you?"

She gives another laugh and it's making me get a little irritated that I seem to be the only one on the outside of this joke. "I'm not her mother Ashley."

"No, but being her girlfriend entitles you to scream '_Back off bitch_!'" Believe me, I know because that's one thing I constantly wanted to scream to Carmen but knew I couldn't.

Spencer turns away from me. "We're not together"

And that sound right there? That's the sound of my jaw hitting the floor. Again.

"What the hell? Where was I in all this?" I ask incredulously. "When was this?"

"Just a few days ago."

"So you…and her…but no one…Wow, I have to process this." I lean back against the fence post and stare out into the night.

"Yes. We're over," Spencer affirms.

"Wow," I say again, completely disregarding my lack of impressive vocabulary. "Was it because of me?" I ask quietly.

Spencer looks at me for a long moment as she debates. "Yes," I flinch guiltily, "and no. I had been wanting to break up with her for a while, I just never found a good time. And then you kissed me-"

"_You_ kissed me," I remind her.

"Yes, I kissed you," she corrects with a smile, "and that made it even more inevitable. I thought I could be happy with her, I really did. And I tried my best to make it work, to make myself…" she drops her voice off, and I lean forward in eagerness.

Spencer shakes her head and I'm disappointed as I realize she won't confess her thoughts no matter how much I prod.

"So I went to talk to her about it the day I went to your house. Well she found out I had gone to see you, and needless to say things didn't go over well. She was jealous that I blew off our plans to go see you and she told me that she thought you had a crush on me. Of course I denied it. Hell, I even convinced myself it wasn't true." She gives a wistful sigh and pauses for a moment.

"But then it all fell into place, you know? Why you never liked my girlfriends. Why you disliked Carmen so much, why you avoided me…" I feel the guilt once again sift through me and I shift uncomfortably.

"And in that moment everything crashed in at once. It was almost like it came out of nowhere. Sure I'd noticed you were beautiful, I mean any person can see that." I feel a blush form on my cheeks and I have to look away from her blue eyes for a moment to collect myself.

Spencer smiles warmly at me before continuing. "And I knew we were always close, even for best friends. But that's where the thoughts stopped. We were always simply closer than best friends. I didn't think twice about why I was so comfortable around you, or why I went to you before I'd go to my own girlfriend, it was just something that seemed natural to me."

"And then that night with Ginger," anger flashes across her face before quickly fading into a more pleasant look," it go me thinking about more, and I convinced myself that it was normal to wonder what it would be like to kiss you. It was normal to wonder if my whole body would melt, simply just from your lips touching mine."

Spencer turns to me with a smile and I find my own lips quirking into a smile in response. "And it did," she affirms, still with that secret smile, her blue eyes filling me with warmth.

I practically float off the ground in giddiness, doing my best to tone down my goofy grin. "Me too," I assure her, though with all I've told her, I'm sure she has no doubt.

"Yeah?" she whispers, her body scooting closer to mine.

"Y-yeah." I can barely respond. That simply action has taken my breath away.

"Good."

"Spencer?" I say quietly, silently wondering why I'm stopping an amazing kiss from happening.

"Hmm?" She raises her eyebrows questioningly.

"I just…you and Carmen are over, right? Like for sure?" I know she said it, but I need reassurance. This is all still so surreal to me.

She laughs softly, "Yes Ash, for sure."

"Ok, I just want to make sure, because I mean before I wanted to do so much but couldn't, and now I just want to be sure that I can actually do it and not feel bad, you know? Like it's still so strange that I am sitting here with you talking and that you aren't with Carmen anymore. You have no idea how much I dreamed of this moment…well ok," I consider, momentarily stopping my rambling, "and the kiss. I've definitely been dreaming of kissing you for a long time and then it finally happened and I was so shocked and-" I stop at the amused look Spencer is giving me. "What?" I ask self-consciously.

"Nothing," she smiles, "I just think you are so cute when you ramble."

I don't think I've ever blushed so much in my life. "Sorry, I just....for the purpose of avoiding rambling, I just never expected to be here."

Spencer just keeps smiling and puts a gentle hand on my cheek, lightly caressing it. "You really are beautiful," she whispers so sincerely, that it makes me feel like she is the only person in the world who has ever said that to me and meant it. Or maybe she's just the only person in the world that I care what she thinks of me.

"You are too. So beautiful, that even after all these years of knowing you and seeing it, my breath still catches whenever I see you." I lean into her soft hand and close my heavy eyelids for a long moment.

I open them to find Spencer looking at me with intense, shining eyes. She gives me another small smile and then leans in, her hand still maintaining its gentle hold on my face. "Ashley I…I'm going to kiss you," she whispers, her face mere inches from my eyes, her beautiful eyes covered by her eyelids, and it comforts me that even after knowing how much I love her, she still sounds a little timid.

Everything in me is leaning forward, aching for her. "No," I whisper back and shake my head.

Her cerulean eyes shoot open questioningly and regard me with confusion. Her hands leave my face and come to rest at her sides. "No?"

"No," I echo. "You're not going to kiss me. _I'm_ going to kiss you. I have wanted to kiss you for so long, and every time that we've kissed, you've always initiated it. Well dammit, it's my turn now," I smile, "so let me do this, ok?"

The blonde laughs and nods her head. "Ok," she agrees.

"Good," I nod back.

I frame her flawless face with gentle hands and lightly caress, letting my fingertips get acquainted with her soft skin. I smile as Spencer closes her eyes and leans into my touch, a content sigh leaving her temptingly soft lips.

I close the distance between our lips, my body already tingling with anticipation. "So beautiful," I whisper softly, and then I lightly brush my lips against hers.

I continue to gently kiss her, wanting to savor this moment even though everything in me is willing me to deepen the kiss.

Spencer presses her soft, warm lips harder against me and my resolve breaks. I gasp in pleasure as her hands trail down to hold my hips, and she takes the opportunity to touch her tongue to mine.

This time a soft moan escapes me, and I press my body into Spencer's, eager to have her warmth flush against mine.

She breaks our kiss for a moment, and I open my eyes to see why she stopped. I almost faint when Spencer moves into my lap to straddle me.

The only reason I know I'm alive is because I can still taste and feel all of Spencer. But as I think about it, I could very well be in heaven, because this is what I imagine it must be like; simply just me and Spencer, kissing forever and never needing to pause to breathe or eat, or any of those other things in life that are considered vital.

My hands leave her beautiful face and make a path down to her waist where they wrap around it possessively, firmly holding her in place. I feel Spencer briefly smile into the kiss before she resumes putting me out of my misery.

I regretfully break apart from her lovely mouth to take in much needed air. Spencer rests her forehead against mine, her flushed face and labored breathing turning me on more than I already am.

"God Spence," I breathe out with smile.

She looks at me with a pleased smile on her face. "What?" she asks innocently.

"You just…" I run a hand through my hair. "Wow. Who knew Spencer Carlin was such a sex kitten?"

She scoffs and slaps my arm playfully. "I am not," she protests jokingly.

I give her a doubtful look and give a pointed glance to where she is straddling me.

"Oh," she blushes and moves away, "_that_."

"Yeah, that," I tease with a laugh. "You sure know how to surprise a girl. I always knew the quiet catholic types were the sex fiends."

"Ash," she blushes even more, looking around as if suddenly we are surrounding by a throng of people. "Could you stop saying that?" she asks meekly.

"What, sex!?" I purposely say loudly, laughing as she ducks her head in embarrassment. "Ok ok, fine, I'm sorry. No more mentioning the word sex."

Spencer laughingly rolls her eyes and pushes me. "You're so weird."

"But you love me!" I sing out obnoxiously.

My smile disappears as soon as I see the conflicted look on Spencer's face. "Spence, I was just kidding. I didn't mean anything by it."

Great, way to go genius. What a great way to not pressure her and make things awkward.

She turns to me and gives me a small smile. "No you didn't. Sorry I worried you, I was just spacing out."

I'm not convinced but I'm more than willing to move past the awkwardness I created. "Well you ready to go back?"

"Are you ok to drive?"

"Uh, legally?" She nods. "Then no."

"Let's find Kyla," she suggests, and then grabs my hand and pulls me back to the club. I follow like a lost puppy, not caring in the least about the stupid grin on my face.

"Kyla!?" Spencer shouts into the crowd of people. Even though Kyla is still nowhere to be found, I'm impressed with the volume of Spencer's scream. Ok, shoo, go away dirty thoughts!

"I'll call her," I offer, hitting myself for not thinking of that earlier. "Yeah, I'm ready to go," I say to my sister. "Ok meet outside. No you cannot bring him with you." She pouts from her end of the phone. "Kyla, I said no," I firmly state. I can just picture her puppy dog eyes she's perfected.

"Spencer!!" Kyla says excitedly as she rushes up and hugs the blonde tightly, making Spencer grunt out in surprise. "What are you doing here? What happened to Carmen? Did I miss something? What is going on?"

Oh my God, brain overload!! "Kyla chill." I put a hand up to shush her. "She's coming back with us."

"Seriously?!" she asks incredulously. "Ashley did you finally do something about-" she stops at the warning glare I give her. "-about cleaning your room?" she finishes lamely, all of us knowing that wasn't what she was planning on saying.

I roll my eyes at her and sigh. "Kyla I swear, sometimes I don't see how we share any DNA whatsoever."

"For some one who expects me to drive their drunk ass home, you sure aren't acting very nice." She dangles my keys in front of my face and snatches it up before I can grab it.

"Kyla," I say putting an arm around her, "have I ever told you how much I love you? You are my favorite sister." I give her a big loud kiss on her cheek, making Spencer laugh and roll her eyes at me.

Kyla makes a show of wiping her cheek off before walking outside. "Ugh, let's go before you kiss my cheek again."

We arrive at the car and I get in back, deciding to let Spencer have the front. My eyes widen as Spencer passes by the front passenger side and gets in the seat beside me. I meet Kyla's eyes in the rear view mirror and ignore her eye brow raise.

I move my gaze to the window to avoid Kyla's eyes. My gaze is snapped to my hand as I feel Spencer slip her warm hand into mine and intertwine our fingers. I look to the window again as my smile threatens to overtake my face.

I hear Kyla's small laugh, but other than that she remains silent. I know I'm going to hear an "I told you so" from Kyla as soon as Spencer leaves.

Somehow I don't think I'll mind this time.


	8. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own South of Nowhere or any of the characters affiliated with it. SoN is property of Tom Lynch and The N.**

**A/N:**_ Phew, so I survived another chapter lol. Thanks for sticking with me. I know they have gone through some drama, but soon everything will be all better. Anyway, here is chapter 7 for you. _

_Lots of candy and sugar for all my reviewers! If I could bake an edible looking cake, you all would get one. Unfortunately my cookings skills are rather horrible. Despite my lack of culinary skills, I love all of you very very much!!_

_So I was just reading over my story, and in this chapter, I saw that I had typed that Ashley's hands squeezed Spencer's lips. Haha I laughed so hard at that. So I went back and corrected it. I mean, who wants their lips squeezed? If you do, no offense lol.  
_

_---_

_**Chapter 7  
**_

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do," Kyla throws out from her bathroom.

Why does everyone say that? I mean really, how are you supposed to know what they will and won't do?

"Seriously Kyla? I think the fact that I have a crush on Spencer is something you wouldn't do."

"Ugh, whatever Ash. Just…keep it PG. You know these walls are thin. Ok," she corrects, "_I _know these walls are thin. Thanks to you." She gives me a pointed look.

I shrug. "Well now you know to sleep with headphones on."

"Or maybe now you know to keep it in your pants," she retorts.

I put a hand on her shoulder. "Kyla," I say sweetly, "do I have to explain the differences between boys and girls to you again?"

She pulls away from my hand and rolls her eyes at me. "No, I think I learned that I few days ago. Thanks though. Now go bother Spencer." She ushers me out of her room.

I give her a big hug and kiss her cheek and walk away. "Oh, and Ashley?" Her voice stops me and causes me to turn around. "I told you so," she smirks and then closes her door.

See? I knew she would only last so long. But it's ok. For once I'm glad she's actually right about something. She can tell me that all day long if she wants.

Actually, I don't want her to tell me that. Now I just want some advice. For what, I'm not exactly sure.

Spencer has stayed over plenty of times, but everyone and their mom knows that tonight is different. Because tonight there is no Carmen to hold me back, and that's something I never really expected to happen in this lifetime.

I'm not expecting anything to happen. Neither of us are new to the whole sex thing, but that's a huge step in our relationship. One I don't think I could handle right now. Have I thought about it? Hell yes I have! Kyla wasn't kidding when she compared me to a hormonal teenage boy.

What? All I'm saying is try sitting next to Spencer when she's just gotten out of the shower and smelling all sweet and fresh and the whole time she's in there you're just left in her room to imagine. Now see if you aren't all hot and bothered.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Anyway, so in that aspect I'm not too worried. It's just everything else that's bothering me. There are so many things, that I can barely grasp onto one of them.

"Took you long enough," Spencer says teasingly as she sees me enter my room. I feel my breath catch as I take her all in. Even to this day, I still am amazed at how gorgeous she is.

"Sorry," I apologize once I can get air to my lungs, "you know how Kyla gets when she doesn't get her bedtime story." Spencer laughs and I can feel myself relax a little.

I sit down on the bed next to her and try to focus on whatever show Spencer is watching. It's hard to do when I can feel the heat emanating off of Spencer from how close she is.

"You're nervous," she says as she looks at me.

I see no point in denying it. She would just call me out about it anyway. "Yeah," I give a small smile, "I am. You make me nervous," I confess shyly.

"Why? We've been like this plenty of times."

"Yeah, but it's different now. Now you know how I feel, and Carmen isn't in the picture anymore, and we've kissed and…and it's just so overwhelming and amazing all at once."

Spencer moves closer to me so that we are touching. "But mostly amazing, right?" she teases with a light smile.

I smile back at her, I'm sure with dazed eyes. "Of course," I agree, deciding to forget about even pretending to watch the TV when the blonde beside me is much more interesting.

"You know what's even more amazing?" She grabs my hands and my brown eyes jump up again to meet her eyes.

I ponder for a second and then shake my head. "Kissing you," she whispers against my lips. And I know I'm gone.

There's a lot we still need to talk about, we both know it, but right now, this is definitely taking precedence.

"Yeah," I mumble into the kiss, "I have to agree."

Spencer smiles and then focuses on putting me out of my mind. I never really would have pictured her as the aggressive type, but damn am I glad to be wrong. I love this side of her. I could definitely get used to this version of Spencer.

Especially the Spencer that straddles me and presses her whole body into me, causing a low moan to escape my warm lips. I put my hands on her hips to hold her in place and I press my tongue against hers, loving the small noises she's making. It only serves to turn me on more and burn the fire inside me hotter.

I move my mouth to her neck and slowly kiss the sweet flesh there. Spencer lets out a low growl and pushes her hips against me. I feel my breath catch again and my whole body tingles deliciously.

Spencer's breath is getting more labored and I know that soon it is going to be too late to stop. Soon it's going to feel too good to want to stop, and even though I know it will be amazing and beautiful, I know it's not what we need right now.

I bring my lips back up to her soft lips and give her light gentle kisses, my hands squeezing her hips gently. Spencer takes the cue and removes her lips from mine, pressing a light kiss to my forehead before moving off me and laying beside me again. I smile giddily at the kiss and try to focus on slowing my breathing down.

"I definitely missed out on that," Spencer half-jokes.

"Looks like we have a lot of time to make up for then." I raise my eyebrows suggestively, causing Spencer to laugh.

"You sure you can handle Spencer Carlin, sex kitten?"

I'm glad I not drinking anything, otherwise it would have been spit from my mouth. "Spencer!" I laugh out loudly, "I can't believe you just said that. What happened to shy little Spencer from earlier?"

She shrugs and looks at me innocently. "She just had a hot make out session with a hot brunette?"

I tap my chin thoughtfully. "Yeah, that sounds about right." I stop and look at her with a small smile. "Complete with the some straddling action."

"Ash," she says shyly, smacking me lightly.

"What?" I feign innocence. "You can do it, but you can't say it? Tsk, Tsk Spence," I chastise with a smile as I wag my finger at her.

"Whatever Ash," Spencer laughs and rolls her eyes. "Anyway, so what do you want to do?"

"Well considering it's about," I glance at the clock, "three in the morning, and I still am probably not sober enough to drive…want to go for a walk?"

"Sure," she agrees as she gets off the bed. "Just don't expect me to carry your drunk ass anywhere."

I scoff laughingly. "Yeah right, I know your true motives." Spencer raises her eyebrows, urging me to go on. "You want me to walk so that you can stare at my 'drunk ass.'"

Spencer snaps her fingers and gets a disappointed look. "Damn, you got me. Good thing I snuck looks before anyway."

I look into her eyes to see if she's serious. "That's ok," I assure her with a smile, "I did too. Now come on, let's go take you for your walk."

"Aw Ash," she coos, "I think it's so sweet the way you compare me to a dog. You really know how to charm your way into a girl's heart."

"What can I say?" I shrug. "Only the best treatment for the best girls."

I can't help but feel like a teenager again as we loudly try to sneak out of the house. We both are giggling like mad, only being louder by constantly shushing each other.

I'm really not even sure why we are "sneaking" out of the house. Kyla is the only other person here, so it's not like she cares that we are leaving. She probably only cares that we are keeping her awake by being "quiet."

We step outside and I smile widely as Spencer loops her arm through mine and pulls me closer to her. "So where to madam?" I ask in a poor imitation of a British accent.

"Well Jeeves, I say we just walk around until you get pulled over for W.I.I."

"Wii?" I ask in confusion, "why would I get pulled over for a wii?"

"Not wii, crazy, W.I.I." I continue giving her a blank look. "Walking while intoxicated," she explains as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"Uh, Spence," I gently tap her shoulder. "That's W.W.I," I correct.

"Oh. Well don't I feel stupid."

"Nooo," I assure her with a smile. "I make that mistake all the time," I obviously lie.

Spencer laughs and gives me a kiss on my cheek, making we wonder if this smile is ever going to fade. "Thanks," she whispers softly as we find a good spot to lay down.

I lay down first, letting Spencer decide what distances she wants to set between us. I'm still hesitant even though I obviously know Spencer likes me. But there is still a part of me that is afraid to let my defenses all the way down around her, simply from the fear that she might just decide it's not worth it and leave.

Spencer wastes no time in laying down and shifting over so that our shoulders and sides are brushing. I take a deep breath and slowly exhale, causing the blonde to look at me questioningly.

"This is nice," I say softly to the starry sky.

"Yeah," she agrees in the same tone, "it is. So beautiful."

We sit in silence for a bit, and I wonder if Spencer is thinking about me as much as I'm thinking about her. I wonder if she's fighting back the urge to kiss me like I'm fighting the urge to kiss her.

I wish I wasn't so unsure. I know Spencer isn't going to freak out and push me away if I try to kiss her, but it's not enough to convince me to stop being completely afraid.

"Hey Ashley?" Spencer's low voice interrupts our silence.

I turn on my side to look at her. "Yeah?"

She continues gazing at the stars, her blue eyes looking so serene yet conflicted at the same time. "Do you…you love me, right?"

I stare at her for a moment before answering. After all she has heard me say to her, how can she still doubt me? "Yeah, of course I do."

This time her beautiful ocean eyes turn to meet mine. "Why?" she whispers out timidly, and suddenly it hits me.

She's scared. Just like me, she's absolutely terrified of where this is going and what it all means. Even though we both know how we feel about each other, and we've already kissed and aren't involved with anyone, we still need reassurance from each other.

I stare into her eyes and find myself feeling nervous and comfortable at the same time. "I…I mean it's not even just one thing, you know? It's everything about you. You're so beautiful, that I can't help but be drawn to you in that way. It's the kind of beauty that never fades, ever. It doesn't matter what you wear, you always are breathtaking."

"I remember that time you had the flu, and you were sneezing and coughing and snotting everywhere." Spencer gives a laugh in remembrance. "And you didn't have any make up on, and you had some serious bed head going on, and even through all of that, I still thought you were so beautiful, and you were."

"Ash," she says sweetly.

"Hey I'm not done," I joke, and she smiles and nods for me to continue and I turn serious again. "Man this is hard. There is so much about you to love." I pause to grab her soft hand. "Everything about you is amazing and wonderful. I mean you're so beautiful Spencer, inside and out. Part of me wonders how I could not have fallen in love with you. Maybe this was inevitable."

"Ash," she says again, her voice sounding broken. I look into her watery eyes and smile reassuringly.

"So that's why. For those reasons and so many others that I can't even begin to name. You're my best friend, so I think it was only natural for this to happen." I smile softly as she squeezes my hand, probably without even knowing it. "But I do Spence, I do love you. So much."

This time I don't hesitate as I place a gentle kiss to her forehead. I hear Spencer sigh and I can feel her smile.

She pulls back some but keeps our hands intertwined, her fingers lightly caressing my hand. "All this time I just never thought you felt this way. People would always tease us about it, but I never really thought it would happen. Hell, my own mother even asked me."

I turn to her in surprise. "Paula asked you?"

"Yeah," she laughs, "probably like four times a week. Anytime I would come into the house smiling, she'd look at me and say 'So did you have fun with Ashley?' God it was so annoying."

"And did you have fun with me?" I couldn't resist asking.

Spencer laughs and gently pushes me with her shoulder. "Of course I did."

"Well who else?"

Spencer starts counting people off on her fingers. "Madison, but you knew that. That was her favorite thing to do in high school, teasing us about being together. I swear that was the only reason she went to school."

I laugh loudly because I firmly believe that that was Madison's reason too. "My freaking science teacher from eleventh grade thought so too."

"You mean Frankenstein?" I cringe in remembrance. "I didn't know he even was aware he had students. He would always just have his back to us and keep blabbing on about God knows what."

Spencer nods excitedly. "I know! But I came into class upset one day, I think one of the days Glen was an ass to me-not that that really narrows it down. But I think you were sick that day so you weren't there to walk with me to class. Well anyway, so when class ended I started to walk to the door and he asked me to stay behind. After every one else had left, he said, 'Ms. Carlin, I just want you to know that it's going to be ok. Ashley doesn't know what she lost by breaking up with you. Now I don't claim to be a mom, or counselor or anything of the sort, but if you need to talk to me, I'm here.' It was so awkward!"

I am in hysterics by the time Spencer finishes. I had no idea Franky had approached her like that. I'm sure it wasn't funny at the time, but to me, now, it's hilarious.

"Why wasn't I told this story?" I put a hand over my heart.

Spencer gives me a look. "Because I wanted to put it in my book of awkward moments and burn it, that's why."

"You have a book too?!" I ask in fake giddiness.

"Ash," Spencer chastises, and I quickly wipe the smile from my face. "The point is, that's only like three people, and there have been so many more than that. And it was kind of like slap in the face to me, because obviously they all must be seeing something that I'm not if they are coming to that conclusion."

"And it made me so mad, because I was at the stage of full on denial. How dare they assume we were more than best friends! Just because you and I were so close and did everything together, didn't mean that we liked each other. I wouldn't even let myself consider the possibility of having feelings for you. For me, it was just absurd."

"This isn't even mentioning the fact that I was with Carmen, which pissed me off even more. Everyone at school knew Carmen and I were dating, thanks to Madison-though it's not like we were hiding it. So they knew that, yet they still insisted that you and I had this 'thing' for each other."

Spencer takes a deep breath and stares at me. "Does any of this make sense? Now do you see why I ran and clung to Carmen? It's because everything everyone was saying, was finally starting to sink it. All the things Carmen said about you being jealous and liking me, I was finally starting to believe it."

That bitch, I knew she trash talked me! It's all starting to make sense to me now. I just wish Spencer would have said this all in the beginning instead of making me suffer. But I suppose it's better late than never.

"It was all a big slap in the face, because it made me want to close my eyes and cringe and run from it all. And that's what I did. I ran from you because somehow that slap in the face opened my eyes to everything, and I truly saw you. Everything replayed in my mind, and this time there was no guard over it. I saw it for what it really was. And that's when I knew I couldn't be with Carmen." Her voice drops and I get the feeling that she isn't going to say more.

"But what made you finally decide to end things with Carmen?" I ask.

Spencer looks hesitant again, and it makes me wonder how loaded the question I asked is. "When I realized I couldn't give her what she wanted and she wasn't what I needed."

I scrunch my face in question. "What do you mean?"

"I couldn't give Carmen the love she wanted. We dated so long, and I knew she loved me, yet I could never say the words to her. I was just stringing her along, hoping that I could love her." Her eyes turn towards the sky again, and I desperately wish that I could read minds so I could figure out what she's thinking about.

"And what do you mean she wasn't what you needed?"

Spencer releases my hand and turns to look at me, her blue eyes telling me something I'm not quite able to understand. "She wasn't you. As much as I wanted her to be, she just wasn't you. I tried, you know? I tried so damn hard."

For some reason I'm almost scared to ask my next question, though I don't know why. "Tried so hard to what?"

"To love her." Spencer's eyes never leave my face.

"Well Spence you can't make people love you, it just happens, you kn-" I go to assure her but I stop as she opens her mouth to speak again.

"Like I love you," she finishes quietly.

My eyes quickly snap to hers and all I can do is stare at her. I can't even say anything. I just want to kiss the breath right from her and never stop, but I can't even do anything but drop my jaw in surprise.

My heart has completely stopped beating, and the only reason I know I'm alive is because I can feel a giddy warmth spread all through my body.

"Ash?" Spencer says in a scared voice.

Thankfully it snaps me out of my daze. I roll over to straddle her and crash my lips into hers. "I love you too!" I whisper in between kisses.

We break apart from the kiss and I hold her tightly in my arms. I repeatedly tell her I love her, punctuating each one with a kiss on her face.

"So you really do love me?" I ask shyly, as if she hadn't just poured her heart out to me and kissed me senseless.

"I do Ashley Davies. I love you," she smiles cutely and kiss me nose.

"Good," I nod, "because this whole one sided unrequited love was getting kind of lonely."

"Aw," she purrs as she rolls on top of me, causing my breath to hitch. "My brave little martyr."

"I think I need to be rewarded." I touch a finger to my lips and pout.

"Oh of course, you poor thing," she teases softly, her lips mere inches from my own. "We don't want you feeling all sad."

"No, because that wouldn't be fun at all," I agree.

It's like we are in a little game to see who can hold out the longest before giving in and kissing the other.

"I'm going to win," Spencer smiles and kiss the corner of my mouth.

She rains little kisses all over my face, purposely avoiding my mouth. She then moves down to my neck and leaves little nibbles there, causing me to arch into her and moan.

"Spencer," I gasp breathlessly.

"Yeah?" she purrs.

"You win," I say as I pull her lips to mine and give her a long kiss.

Who knew losing could be so good?


	9. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own South of Nowhere or any of the characters affiliated with it. SoN is property of Tom Lynch and The N.**

**A/N:**_ So it took a little longer to update, but work got so busy and then my internet started being stupid. Anyway, I think there is going to be one more chapter. I kind of have another story in mind, but it's not even started yet, so no promises whatsoever.  
_

_I hope you all like this chapter. This smutty filled chapter is dedicated to all my beautiful reviewers who keep me smiling!!!_

_---_

_**Chapter 8  
**_

"_No, absolutely not." I shook my head firmly._

_Spencer grabbed my arm and gave me her puppy eyes. "Ugh, please Ash? You know I wouldn't ask unless I really needed your help."_

_"Spencer," I mimicked her whiney tone._

_"Come on, you know you want to be my hot lesbian lover." _

_If she only knew. I totally did, just not like this._

_"You know, you could just tell him that you are dating some one," I pointed out, wondering why she hadn't thought of that in the first place._

_"He never gave me the chance. And I couldn't turn down a free drink," she shrugged._

_I couldn't blame her. Never turn down a chance to save money and get free alcohol. That's what I liked to call a win-win situation._

_"So when he comes back, tell him you are dating some one."_

_"Ok, ok," she conceded, giving me an unhappy pout that made me roll my eyes and chuckle._

_The random guy made his way over to us, and I couldn't help but laugh at his drunken attempt at a cocky walk. He wasn't bad looking by any means, and had I not been into girls and totally crushing on my best friend, I might have explored that…for the night._

_"Hey hot stuff," he smirked at Spencer._

_I rolled my eyes at him, not even bothering to hide my annoyance. "Does that line work often?"_

_"You tell me?" he flirted, and all I want to do is smack him. "So blondie, how about you come with me."_

_Wow, how flattering it must be to be referred to by the color of your hair. He's definitely a smooth one, I thought sarcastically._

_Spencer looked to me and I nodded. "Uh I can't. I uh…I'm seeing some one."_

_"You are?" dumb ass asked in surprise._

_"She is," I nodded with a smile, proud that she was actually listening and following my suggestion._

_"I don't see anyone with you," he challenged._

_I saw Spencer's face fall momentarily and I knew she was starting to lose it. "Well you see uh…" She looked around all panicky, frantically searching for something-anything._

_He crossed his arms. "Well?"_

_I nodded again and urged her to say she had a boyfriend._

_Spencer caught my eye and then turned back to the douche. "I'm actually dating Ashley." She grabbed my arm and sat on my lap._

_Woah, say what?!! That was not what I was telling her. She obviously couldn't read signals very well._

_He looked at me as if to confirm what she said. Shit I couldn't very well back out on Spencer. _

_"You owe me big time!" I whispered into her ear. I put my arm around her waist and did my best to give her a loving smile. Really I wanted to hit her for pulling me into this._

_I could see the drool forming in his mouth. "Wow," he breathed out excitedly. "That…that's so fucking hot! Can I get you guys a drink?"_

_"No. But you can go away," I said in a sweet voice._

_"Yeah right. Hey guys!" he yelled to his group of friends, "you gotta come see these two hot chicks. They are, like, together." _

_His friends all ran over and flocked around us, breathing like rabid dogs._

_Ugh, I was so going to kill Spencer. "Ok well it's been so much fun being breathed on and everything, but we're going to head out. Right _baby_?" I stressed the baby to let Spencer know I wasn't happy._

_Spencer avoided my eyes and instead stared straight ahead. "Y-yeah. Uh, bye guys."_

_They all mumbled "Bye" in disappointed voices, but insisted on following us to the door._

_"Ash," Spencer said pleadingly as she sped up to catch up to me._

_I turned around and stopped, giving her an irritated look. "What?"_

_"I'm sorry, ok? I didn't know you would get so upset."_

_I doubt she even knew why she was apologizing or even why I was upset. "It's fine. It's over now and they won't bother you."_

_"You're mad," she pointed out unnecessarily. _

_"I'm tired. Let's just get you back." I did my best to tone down my irritation. Really I wasn't even sure why I was as upset as I was._

_Spencer put a hand on my arm. "No, I don't want you to be mad. I don't even know why you are mad."_

_I sighed and tried to think of a suitable answer. "I just didn't plan on being home so early. I wasn't ready to leave."_

_"I said I was sorry. It was the first thing that came to my mind," she confessed quietly, as if that would some how cheer me up._

_"I told you to tell him you were seeing some one, not to tell him _we_ were dating. You could have told him the truth and left me out."_

_"Well Carmen wasn't here tonight so I couldn't very well convince him that way. Look, I did what I thought I had to do, ok? I'm sorry I ruined your night." She wasn't even sincere, and I knew she was starting to get pissed off too._

_I made myself be more calm before I replied. "I just was planning on finding some one at the club, and now everyone thinks we are together so I wouldn't be able to get with some one even if I went back."_

_I knew I was being a bitch, but I couldn't help it. And all of that was true-partially. She had no idea how much it killed me to have to pretend to be with her, when all I really wanted was to actually be with her._

_Why must everything involving me and Spencer always be pretend?_

_Spencer looked genuinely sorry this time and I felt a little bad about my harshness. _

_"If it helps, I'll put out tonight for you," she teased with a smile._

_I couldn't help but smile back. "After what you put me through, it's the least you could do."_

_Spencer leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, and this time I didn't mind pretending, because I knew I had to._

_ I had to pretend like my whole being wasn't shuddering with pleasure. I had to pretend like my heart didn't stop beating. I had to pretend like I wasn't in love with her._

_I looked at Spencer and felt a big smile make its way across my face from that simply gesture. It was always so easy to love her._

_What? I'm only human._

_And I never was good at pretending._

_-_

"Soooo," Spencer draws her mouth into a cute "O" shape, "what's on the Ashley Davies schedule for today?"

"Well," I say as I pull out an imaginary planner and flip through it, "I canceled my dinner date with the Queen, so it looks like I'm free."

Spencer snorts and rolls her eyes at me. "I sure did pick a winner," she teases.

"And don't forget my other qualities," I throw in.

"Oh, my sincerest apologies. I sure did pick a weirdo winner," she corrects.

"You got lucky."

"Lucky me," she quips with an eye roll. I just stick my tongue out at her.

"Let's just go to my house and watch a movie or something," I half heartedly suggest.

I hate when there is nothing to do. You would think living in LA there would be so much to do. And technically there is, but none of it sounds appealing. Plus my house equals alone time with Spencer, so of course I would choose that.

We are watching some weird movie that Spencer found in my mom's collection. I was very skeptical of any movie coming from my mom's room. Who knows what type of stuff she has on tape.

I shudder at the thought.

I focus on Spencer to clear away the disturbing mental images. She looks so cute as she concentrates on the movie. She keeps mumbling something incoherent and I think she's trying to explain the movie to herself.

Really I'm just impressed that she's actually watching the movie. It's not like I haven't been trying to distract her.

I have a hand resting on her thigh and I periodically stroke it. It elicits a sharp intake of breath from Spencer, and her eyes flicker to mine in a slight warning, but then she just goes straight back to the film, much to my amusement and disappointment.

This time my hand slides a little higher, and she breathes in quickly and her hand comes to clasp mine to prevent it from wandering any further. I chortle, feeling like a little kid that is being reprimanded by her mom.

I instantly stop laughing and start melting as her hand begins softly stroking mine. My eyes fall back on her profile and I smile at how beautiful she is. It's making me want to kiss her so bad.

"Ashley?" Spencer doesn't remove her eyes from the screen.

I squeeze her hand to urge her to continue.

"I'm not really following this movie," she tells me as she gives a look I can't contemplate.

"Uh…ok?" I say in confusion.

She rolls her eyes and turns to me. I obviously missed something. "I'm saying I'm not really that into the movie." Again she gives me that look.

I continue giving her a strange look. "I can put something else in if you want."

This time she adds a sigh in companionship with her eye roll. "God Ash," she breathes in slight exasperation.

"Ok Spence, I'm not a mind reader, you're going to have to stop being so vague."

Her lips are on mine, and I can hear the wheels turning.

Oh, _that's_ what she meant.

I frame her face in my hands and press my lips harder against mine. Spencer shifts her body and presses it against mine. A soft moan escapes from deep inside me and all I can do is push back, and moan again at the friction.

She gives me a last lingering kiss and then pulls away. I hear her shallow breathing and all I want to do is put my lips back on hers and kiss her senseless so my lips don't feel so lonely and my body doesn't feel so cold.

"Ashley, you don't have to be afraid," Spencer says gently.

My eyes convey my confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Of being with me," she elaborates.

"It's not being with you that scares me," I confess quietly. "It's knowing what it's like to be with you, and losing that."

"Why are you so sure that you're going to lose me?" I can sense her hurt even without looking at her.

"Because I know how I am," I say weakly. "I wreck good things in my life. Look what I did to our friendship when you were dating Carmen."

"Ash-"

"Before I could be with Kyla and be ok sometimes. But now? Now you're all I think about Spence."

"Ashley," she tries again.

"I want to be with you so bad," I confess.

"So then be with me," she says like it's obvious.

"It's not that simple."

"Yes," she nods, "it is. I understand you are still a little uncertain of how things will turn out. I am too. But I don't let that hold me back. When I told you that I loved you, I wasn't saying it just because I thought it would be a nice thing to say to you."

I almost want to smile when she says that.

She looks at me and makes sure to maintain eye contact. "I said it because it's true. I love you Ashley, and I want to be with you. Even if it means running after you every time you start to run away."

"Spence," I say sweetly.

"Because honestly Ash, I'm terrified." I lock my gaze back on her in surprise. "I've never felt this way, about anyone. But I also know that I never will feel this way about anyone else."

"Do you know how scary it was to know you were thinking of me? How scary it was to know I was always on your mind? God Ash," she sighs, "I was so afraid of hurting you even more than I already did. But I was selfish and I kissed you. And you know what? I would do it again in a heartbeat."

"Me too," I breathe out.

"So stop trying to run. You're only going to tire yourself out. And I do love you, so much, but I'm not going to wait around forever for you. I'm laying it all out here, Ash. You're what I want. I want to be with you. Is that what you want?"

Her blue eyes are fixed intently on mine, and as terrified as I am, her ocean depths comfort me in a way nothing else can.

I nod swiftly. "God yes! It is!" I say firmly. "I want you. So bad, that it hurts. But it's the kind of hurt that you can't help but want more of, especially if it means being with you."

She pulls me into a tight hug and presses light kisses to my face. I can fell a few tears slide down my face, though I'm not sure if they are from my earlier sadness or from my current happiness.

Spencer wipes my tears away gently with the pad of her finger and places the most gentle kiss I've ever had on my nose. I smile and hug her to me briefly before I let her go.

"Thank you for not giving up on me," she whispers against my lips.

This time I don't hesitate.

I close my eyes and press a warm kiss to her soft lips. She immediately responds and moves between my legs, her arms cupping my face gently. I arch my body into hers and move my lips down her neck, taking in her fast pulse and her shallow breaths.

Even with my eyes closed I can still see her.

Even with my brain turned to mush I can still think about her.

Her tongue traces my lips as her hands trail down my sides to my hips where she rubs the skin teasingly. I breathe in sharply and open my mouth to taste her fully.

Even with my air gone I can still breathe her in.

Spencer moans my name deliciously and moves her knee against my center, causing fire to pool low in my stomach. I push myself against her knee, desperate for some relief to the tingling that is steadily getting stronger.

Spencer moves her torturous mouth to my neck and she leaves little nips around it, soothing it with her hot tongue. My body feels hotter than I can ever remember.

Even with my body numb with pleasure I can still feel how much I love her.

"Spencer," I moan out in a voice I hardly recognize as my own.

When Spencer opens her eyes, I see a shade of deep blue that I have never seen before. It turns me on almost as much as her sinful mouth does.

"Oook," she breathes out harshly, doing her best to catch her breath.

We want to. God how we want to. But here, with Kyla home, is not the time or place. Definitely someday though.

"Ash?"

I hold up a finger. "Just give me a moment to uh…yeah."

She smiles in self appreciation, knowing she is the one who has affected me so much. "That good, huh?" Her smile gets wider.

"You were here. Do you even have to ask?" I tease.

"No, but I just like hearing it." She gives me a light kiss on my forehead. I practically melt into the floor. "I love you," she whispers shyly, but nonetheless sincerely.

Even with my heart broken by Spencer before, I can still give it right back to her.

"I love you too," I say just as quiet, and then I once again meet her lips in a kiss.

After all, actions speak louder than words. There are plenty of ways to tell her I love her.

Did I mention that my mom is going out of town tomorrow for a whole week?

Did I mention Kyla is going with her?

You do the math.


	10. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I do not own South of Nowhere or any of the characters affiliated with it. SoN is property of Tom Lynch and The N.**

**A/N:**_ So this has been quite an angsty journey, but I definitely enjoyed writing it. Thank you all so very very much for reading this fanfic and writing your responses. I'm glad so many of you stuck with it and liked it. It always makes me happy knowing I've written something that people find enjoyable. And of course a thank you to all who added me and/or this story to your favorites._

_It is with a sad/happy smile I end this story. I've had a blast writing it and it was definitely entertaining and interesting to write from Ashley's POV. I do have another story I want to start working on, but as I mentioned before, I have not even figured out what all it's going to be about, I just have a small idea._

_And I don't know if alot of you were expecting a higher rating chapter, if you know what I mean, but I'm sorry to disappoint. I've never written one before and it's not something I plan to start now. Maybe some day though, but for now, it is not so. Hopefully you won't throw anything, or if you do, it's something good like cookies and skittles!  
_

_Anyway, I now leave you with the final chapter of Invisible. Thanks again to my loyal reviewers, especially those who followed me over from Drowning. If you haven't read that, I encourage you to do it. So without further ado, I bid you farewell. :) __  
_

_---_

_**Chapter 9  
**_

I've never ever been so grateful to my mom. All I can say is that I'm forever in her debt, all because she went away for the week and thankfully took Kyla with her.

Let me just say that Spencer came over to stay the night they left…and left that morning they were coming back.

Let me also just say that we left the bedroom a total of about five times that whole entire seven days, and that was just so we could stock up on supplies.

So it's needless to say that I'm wearing a shit-eating grin on my face and have been glowing ever since then. Spencer is the exact same way. Her and I are both wearing matching secret, yet still shy, smiles on our faces.

"Oh my God, you guys totally did it!" Kyla screams tactlessly.

And maybe it wasn't such a secret.

I look around the restaurant before turning back to Kyla, making sure to give her an eye roll. "Damn Kyla, could you please yell a little louder? I don't think that man had his hearing aid turned on. Not that he needed it."

Kyla rolls her eyes back at me. "Whatever Ash." She then proceeds to give me a strange look.

"What?"

"You know what," she turns back on me.

"Obviously not Kyla. Why else would I be asking?" It's like we are in a contest to see who can roll their eyes the most.

"Well how was it?" she says like I should have immediately known.

"Kyla please," I pretend to be affronted, "I do not reveal such private matters."

Again Kyla rolls her eyes and snorts. "Yeah right Ash. Now seriously, how was it?" She elbows me in a conspiratory way.

I sigh dramatically as I concede. "Ok, Ok. It was fucking amazing!" I gush, not caring that that's probably not something I should be sharing with my sister.

"What was amazing?" Spencer asks as she sits down next to me after being in the bathroom.

Kyla quickly stares down at her plate. "N-nothing."

Thanks Kyla, I think to myself, that's real convincing.

"Uh huh," Spencer says unconvincingly. She turns to me. "What was amazing?"

Dammit! I hate when she does that. She knows I can't lie to her very well. She's not playing nice at all.

"My song I wrote?" I offer.

Spencer regards me for a moment, obviously not believing me. "And what was your song about?"

Shit. Think, think, think! "About you, of course."

Spencer levels me with another doubtful look. "And it was 'fucking amazing'?"

I was quickly spiraling down, and I knew it. "Yeah," I answer lamely.

"Well you'll have to sing it to me sometime," she says evenly, giving me a knowing look.

I was so busted!

I chance a glance at Kyla and see her doing her best to hold in her laughter. She catches my eye and mimics a whipping motion. I flip her my middle finger and give her a sweet smile as she glares at me.

"Ashley," Spencer chastises as she shakes her head at me.

I duck my head in shame and stare down at my plate. "Sorry," I murmur quietly to Kyla.

Spencer smiles and lightly strokes my thigh underneath the table. "That's a good girl. That wasn't so bad, now was it?" she coos softly.

I can't even speak, I'm solely focused on her lovely hand. I just nod in response and meet her ocean eyes.

Kyla awkwardly clears her throat and snaps my attention back to her. "Do you want me to leave?"

She doesn't ask it sweetly, more like she'd rather not leave but also would rather not watch Spencer and I exchange 'fuck me' eyes.

"Ye-ow, no," I correct as Spencer swats me mid word. "Um, no Kyla, we'd love you to stay and keep us company. God knows how I would hate for it to be just me and Spencer." I give her a significant look.

"I get the hint. Sheesh." Kyla gets up and says her goodbyes. She is about to leave when she suddenly turns to Spencer. "Ashley was saying that sex with you was fucking amazing."

With that she turns and walks out of the restaurant, leaving me to stare daggers at her back and Spencer to shift her eyes between Kyla and me.

Thanks a lot Kyla!

"You told her!?" Spencer asks incredulously.

"No!" I defend. Spencer gives me a doubtful look. "She asked."

Spencer crosses her arms and gives me a disapproving look. "And instead of lying, you told her?"

I cast my eyes down before I softly say, "I told her it was fucking amazing." I try my best to bite back my smile.

Spencer stares at me for a moment before breaking out into a smile. "God Ash," she laughs, "sometimes I just don't get you."

I pay for our meal and then grab her hand and pull her outside. "Good. I don't want you to get me. All I want right now is for you to kiss me." My voice is huskier and I can already see Spencer's eyes deepen in shade.

"You're so demanding," Spencer whispers teasingly against my lips.

"And you're so sexy," I answer, our lips mere centimeters away.

"Only sexy?" she pouts seductively. "You told Kyla I was fucking amazing."

I feel my mouth quirk up. "Did I? I do think I was talking about the song I wrote."

Spencer steps closer and ghosts her lips against mine before pulling back and stepping back, all the while wearing a triumphant smile. "Well that's too bad."

"Ugh, Spencer!" I yell in a whiney voice. "That's so not fair!"

But I am speaking to her back as she has turned around and is walking to the car. She is so evil and she knows it!

Talk about a cock tease! …well ok, you know what I mean.

I'm not worried though, I know she'll pay up.

I can hardly wait.

---

We are sitting in my room, once again "watching" tv. The door is shut, but only because Spencer and I were making out and Kyla freaked out and shut the door, saying how she "didn't want to be subjected to that!" and that just because she approved of us didn't mean she "wanted a private show."

Puh-lease. It was all PG-13…for the most part.

But it's not my fault. Spencer is the one who attacked me. What, she really did! Just because she looks all sweet and innocent doesn't mean anything. I was right when I called her a sex kitten.

…just don't tell Spencer I said that. Please.

"So that was pretty evil of you this afternoon."

Spencer turns on her side and gives me an innocent look. "What did I do?"

I turn onto my side and lean in close to her, my lips a breath away from hers. I smile as I see Spencer close her eyes and lean in. I imitate her earlier actions and lightly run my lips over hers. Just as she's about to respond I pull back.

"Just that." I smile as she gives me another pout. "Doesn't feel so good, does it?"

"I can think of something that will feel good," she says suggestively.

"Spencer!" I scoff playfully, "what kind of girl do you think I am? Is this all about sex to you?" I gasp offended.

She pauses for a moment. "Yeah, pretty much. Spending time with you is just a bonus." She gives me a smile and kisses my cheek. "And loving you is just inevitable."

"Spencer," I say much sweeter.

Part of me thinks I'll never get used to hearing her say that to me. The other part could care less, because Spencer Carlin loves me!

Spencer leans in and gives me a sweet kiss. "I love you," she whispers as her cerulean eyes lock with mine, leaving me no doubt to her sincerity.

I didn't think my smile could get bigger, but it just did. "I love you too. Thanks for not letting me be invisible."

Spencer looks at me strangely. "Is that how you felt around Carmen and me?" she asks in surprise.

"Kind of," I admit. "I mean I know you paid me attention, but not in the way I wanted you to. As friends you saw me, but as more…well in that sense I was invisible. I felt like no matter what I did, you'd never notice me. Wow," I laugh humorlessly, "that sounds pretty depressing."

Spencer takes my hand and squeezes it. "It does," she agrees, "but that's all in the past. No more you being invisible. After all, how could you be?"

"What do you mean?"

She releases my hand and rolls over so she is on top of me. But right now, it's not about this being a sexual moment, and we both know it.

She looks at me with eyes full of love. "How can you be invisible when you're all I can see?"

"Spence."

"Even when I wasn't looking, all I saw was you." She presses a soft kiss to my lips. "And I wouldn't want it any other way," she whispers.

My eyes are closed, but I can still see her smile. "Me either," I agree, and then I press my lips back into hers.

Our slow kisses quickly turn heavy, and my body arches into Spencer's warm one on top. We exchanges moans nearly as often as we exchange kisses, and almost as often as we exchange I love you's.

Spencer's wicked hand has now crept inside my shirt and she's making quick work of my resolve. Her other hand is rubbing my waist, and I'm finding it very difficult to remember to breathe.

Not to be out-done, I move my hands to her jeans and cup her ass. She moans softly and meets my lips back in a kiss, our tongues dueling for dominance as our bodies thrust towards each other.

"Seriously guys?" Kyla's voice distantly registers in my mind.

Fucking hell! Are you fucking kidding me?

Spencer swiftly rolls off me, her face colored red in embarrassment. "Hey Kyla," she says sheepishly.

Kyla gives Spencer a smile before turning to me, her smile quickly dropping. "Ashley, could you not go one day without jumping Spencer?"

"Hey," I scoff and point to Spencer, "she started it!"

"Ash!" Spencer slaps my arm and gives me a glare.

"What? You did," I justify. "Anyway, why did you come here? Besides to not knock?"

"Mom told me to get you for dinner." Kyla decides to put a hand over her eyes, obviously thinking it would erase the images from her mind.

I smile evilly as an idea forms in my head. "Spencer, give me my bra back!" Kyla cringes but keeps the hand up. "Don't bite my neck, I'm going to get a hickey."

Spencer just shakes her head and rolls her eyes, but I see the smile in her eyes.

Kyla removes her hand to see Spencer and I both fully clothed. "Ash you are so evil! I told Mom to leave you alone, but when I said that, she offered to come get you. So you are welcome. I like to think I'm less of a moment ruiner than Christine."

"Yeah yeah," I wave dismissively.

"Thank you Kyla," Spencer says with a significant look at me.

"Ugh fine," I sigh, "thank you Kyla."

Spencer sends me a sweet smile and I automatically smile back.

"Don't start making out again!" Kyla warns.

"Tell it to Spencer."

"Ash!"

"What? I'm just saying. You are a sex kitten." I exchange smiles with Kyla.

"Ashley!" Spencer says in mortification, her face threatening to be permanently red.

I lean over and give Spencer a kiss on the cheek. "You know I'm just teasing. I'm sorry," I say in a soft voice, doing my best to look apologetic.

Spencer puts a hand on my face and smiles. "Forgiven."

"Guys!" Kyla moans in complaint.

"God, alright Mom!" I roll my eyes.

Spencer leans over towards me. "You know what you said about being invisible?" she whispers.

"Yeah."

"I'm starting to think it wouldn't be so bad now." She gives a pointed look to Kyla.

I smile widely and laugh. "Yeah," I agree. "This time being invisible would be more than ok."

Kyla gives a weird look and then leaves the room talking to herself about crazy lesbians. I know she doesn't mean anything about it, so I let it go.

After all, why am I going to focus on Kyla when I have Spencer right beside me.

Not to mention the door is closed thanks to Ms. Oh-so-innocent Spencer.

I smirk at Spencer as she comes back, wearing a naughty look of her own. She gets on the bed and crawls toward me.

"Now where were we?" she asks as she once again straddles me.

God I love her!

"Guys dinn- are you serious!? Come on guys," Kyla protests in disgust as she sees Spencer once again moving off of me. "I was only gone like thirty seconds."

And that was thirty seconds not long enough if you ask me-which she didn't.

We regretfully get up and Kyla makes a point to wait on us to leave before she follows us out.

I walk out first and gasp in surprise as Spencer slyly slaps my ass. I turn around and give her an impressed look.

"Stop that," Kyla orders. "Let's just get to dinner so we can eat." Spencer and I exchange a look. "Eww gross guys. I meant dinner!"

"Sure you did," I agree in disbelief. "Let's go eat," I pause to mimic Kyla, "dinner."

Kyla rolls her eyes but Spencer laughs, and that makes it all worth it.

Spencer grabs my ass again and I can't hold back my surprised yelp.

"Spencer," I breathe out harshly, "are you trying to give me a heart attack?"

Spencer doesn't even look phased. She just shrugs and gives me a light kiss before going into the dining room.

Did I mention how much I love her?

And where the hell is Kyla when this stuff happens? All the proof she needs is right here.

It's totally all Spencer's fault;

Spencer straddling me. Spencer kissing me. Spencer slapping and grabbing my ass. Spencer sexing me up.

Then again, Kyla probably doesn't need to know that. That's stuff I shouldn't share.

Spencer holding me.

Spencer kissing me. Oops, did I use that before?

Spencer loving me.

And that? That's something I won't share.

Because even though love is something you can't exactly physically see, I can clearly see it through everything Spencer does. It took me a while to see it, but now I know it's always been there.

Her love, just like me, well never ever be invisible again. And that's how it should be.

_Fin_


End file.
